44 ~ If Only I Had A Boyfriend...

I could spend the night away from my family.

I could take out my frustrations.

I could cry on a shoulder.

43 ~ WANTED: Whipping Boy

BDSM has interested me ever since I realized I enjoyed pain, and blood, and bondage. But my interests have always been softcore: biting, licking, tied wrists.

Until now.

I am not especially interested in whipping a guy (girls don't enter into my BDSM fantasies), but the aftermath makes me drool in all the right places. Swollen, bloody flesh makes my mouth water, and both tending to the wounds and playing with them...well, that interests me a great deal.

I am a dominant personality, so girls don't interest me here (submissive women are the opposite of my type, but an emotional relationship with a butch girl is more than enough for me), and I am a feminine person, by MY standards, so seeing a larger, broader person being at my mercy...heeheehee.

I need to get into the dating scene, because I am rearing to go :D

42 ~ I Am A Poly Dictionary

I have been used as a dictionary and thesaurus as long as I can remember. I am a voracious reader, and I have a gift for remembering not only all the new words I read, but how to spell them, what they mean, and what other words are similar to them, and the nuances of their differences.

Last semester in psychology, my class was mostly ignorant to the fact that bisexuality existed, much less pansexuality, what transgenderism really means, and so forth. So I researched the hell out of everything I could--learning a lot of new information in the process, and solidifying what I already knew--and presented this new information to the class. Alone. Of my own free will. For no reason other than to educate a small slice of the population of Texas.

I am certainly not an expert on polyamory or any subculture, for that matter, but I have been exposed to them a lot more than almost all of my peers, even my liberal friends up North. Partly because I am an odd swan even among other ugly ducklings, but mostly because I thirst for knowledge like I thirst for words.

My best friend, Rose, was in a class discussion on sex, and monogamy came up (as it often does). She immediately thought, Ooh, I should bring up poly and stuff! But there wasn't much time left in class, and she couldn't remember all the info I'd thrown her way, regardless. So she plans on bringing it up next class, or on the student disccusion boards.

I am, needless to say, thrilled. I asked her what she remembered, refreshed her memory, kept away from the minutiae (mostly), and dictated that she accredit this knowledge to me when she educated her peers.

I am always willing to learn. I learn every day, and life is so exciting for it. Now if only I'd get a boyfriend, already...

41 ~ ARGH

College life has been KILLING me lately. I don't WANT to not blog like I plan, but OMG I am worn out.

Tomorrow I should be alive enough to post. Not THINK, but since when are blogs based in thought? ;)

40 ~ Literary Sex

I am a writer, I have written a novel, I am editing that novel, and I am also writing its sequel. Writing is amazing, but there is one aspect of writing I need a lot of work on, more than the rest:

Writing sex scenes.

I am a virgin. I have done some stuff, but not often, and not in ages. I've read sex, which is obviously not at all the same, and I have written sex, mostly gay sex which I can never have anyway.

But I'm not trying to practice fucking. Writing about fucking is totally different. For one thing, reading and writing it pales in comparison to the real thing. Which actually makes it much harder.

You have to convey all of this wonderful thing with words. Not even images, but words. Black on white, and that's it.

I fucking love reading sex scenes. It's better than porn, because my imagination is a beast. My favorites are Laurell K. Hamilton and Sherrilyn Kenyon. I haven't read any other authors that I can think of, and I haven't read all of either of their novels. Trying to work on that. So I need to study their works, oh noes! Worst homework assignment ever! ;)

I also need to have sex, lest I go insane. I'm working on it, but I barely have any FRIENDS right now, much less potential fuck buddies, or boyfriends. Sigh. It would also be good for, um, research purposes.

This is why I want to work as a writer for a living. Y'know, other than the fact that without it I am a MESS. Yeah, minor reasons, really :)

39 ~ My Dad Is An Ass

I love my dad very much, and he is a wonderful, loving, esoteric, intelligent, hilarious man, but sometimes, he is also the biggest ass I know.

Usually when my father gets like that--he has Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism, so I forgive him much more than I do most others (and I'm pretty damn forgiving)-- I walk away, maybe a bit huffy, and cool down. Or, even better, I ignore his comment, laugh it off, roll my eyes, and move on. I did that with his latest asshole moment.

It goes like this: We are all talking about my future husband. My grandma pushes for Kaleb. I say, "What if I marry a woman?" My dad says, "That's a dumb idea, why not just cut out the middle man?" [I am paraphrasing, this was nearly a week ago.]

My father is not anti-gay or anything like that, he really couldn't care less, but he is still a bit of a bastard. It is true, I am VERY unlikely to marry a woman. I am VERY unlikely to get married. I am VERY unlikely to pick just one person. But still. Sometimes, that Asperger's is all that saves him from my wrath.

38 ~ Meant To Be Together

My grandmother is still insistent that Kaleb and I will end up married.

She is always dropping hints, or flat-out stating when he enters the conversation, that he was born to be my husband.

It doesn't hurt to here these things anymore. It makes me smile, I pretend to be grossed out, my heart warms a little, and I move on with my day.

Am I to that point of not being in love love with him? Have I merely excepted that if or if not, there is no point in worrying about when? Or is it simpler--is it that I have other things to think about, and I have returned to being passive about my love life, and sex in and of itself does not dominate my thoughts?

Maybe, just maybe, I think she's right, and I'm biding my time, patient that everything will work out perfectly in the end.

At the very least, I am patient, and I am confident, and I am most definitely HAPPY :)

37 ~ I ♥ MY VAGINA

One of my best friends (GASP, I haven't mentioned her before! Let's call her...Ryden) and I were just discussing a webcomic that Jonah shared with me and I shared with her--Khaos Komic--which lead to her proclaiming:

"I wanna get a shirt that says I ♥ MY VAGINA."

So, of course, now I want one too, because it is so true. As much as I joke about being a boy in a girl's body, and as much as guys make more sense to me, I am all-girl. Only society skews that perception because of some of my personality traits, and fuck that. I love my boobs and my vagina and being a girl; that doesn't mean I have to be girlie.

Vaginas are really nifty. First of all, they are totally pretty. (Valley girl, get out of my head!) They are also very easy to live with, all the bits are inside and much less likely to cause massive amounts of pain. Beyond the practicality, I love the way they smell, and feel, and as much as I sometimes complain about how difficult some things can be (orgasm, for example), the sensations are among my favorite things. Maybe it would be different if I had been born a man, I don't know; the fact is I wasn't (in this lifetime), and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Then there is the fact that, because I am a girl, because I was born a girl and have a vagina, I am the one who will be impregnated, I am the one who will nurture a life, I am the one who will give birth to a baby--or many babies--when I am ready to be a mother.

(I am not romanticizing motherhood. It is awesome, and massively hard work. The pregnancy itself can be very difficult, and labor--yikes! That doesn't change the beauty and the majesty of it. If it did, we would have died out long ago.)

Let's see, why else do I want a t-shirt that proclaims "I ♥ MY VAGINA"? That's a hard question. The real question is, why wouldn't I? The billions of people who love women can't be wrong, now can they ;)

If all my other reasons fail, it would be just about the best conversation piece ever. And all the boys in the room would have to reply, "Why, I love your vagina, too ;)"

Except then creepy old guys would pant after me even more than usual...I guess I'd have to save such a t-shirt for visits with Ryden and the comforts of my home :)

Yes, I broke my unspoken two-words-per-title blog rule. I figured it was time because I am lazy, and my subjects were straying towards contrived. Just felt like pointing it out :)

Vaginas make me excessively :D'ey

36 ~ Beautiful Women

All women are beautiful.

As a bisexual, and a woman, having been raised by a very heterosexual father, having a very high self-esteem, when I say this, I very much mean it.

There is something very poetic about a woman. Women don't have to be perfect to be absolutely lovely. In fact, women are preferable when not perfect. My Sam, for example, is very skinny, very boney, tall, very pale, and now very muscular. Her facial features are not classically beautiful, and she abounds with imperfections. I love them, they make her unique, they make her beautiful.

Every REAL man I have ever spoken to--I have grown up with many--is not judgemental of women. Their flaws are easily forgiven, and appreciated. All those little things that women get hung up on--cellulite, laugh lines, muffin tops, stretch marks--barely register in a man's mind. I only really notice them in myself, or in an appreciative manner.

Cellulite shows that the woman is realistic. Muffin tops show that you know how to eat. Stretch marks mean you used to be smaller or bigger, and you're beautiful now. I particularly adore stretch marks because they remind me of one of my favorite animals, the tiger. Muffin tops, too, as they are soft. Cellulite also tickles my fingertips. And laugh lines, of course, may signify age, and lively expression, and that time and wisdom and life lived in quite beautiful.

Sorry, guys, but my standards for women are less particular. When it comes to having sex with a woman, if I was going to start again (which I probably would because gawd I've been celibate for a while), I am not too picky. I see beauty in almost every woman I meet. Women are nonthreatening, and fascinating. With men, there is that cautious factor that I can't get over quickly enough to do a one-night stand, I can't be alone with a man soon after meeting him.

I am writing again, and women are on my mind; strong, beautiful women. The only kind in my life--ain't I a lucky bitch ;)