I am CONSTANTLY exhausted in some way. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Always spiritually. I have three weeks till I am done with this semester, but until then, there is no escaping the hell of routine.
However, this is not all bad news. I have absolutely no time or energy to pine for my three favorite things:
1) Unrequited love.
2) Long distance girlfriend.
3) Lack of boyfriend and/or sex.
I love ya, Kaleb; I miss ya, Sam; I want ya, William. But...even now, as I sit here actively thinking of these things I lack, I got nothing. Okay, a vague sense of twisting in my stomach, but that could also be excitement, or mild fear. Like holy shit I have a test tomorrow.
It's oddly peaceful, but not to last. Not when I visit everybody this summer. But until then...my innards are quiet.
Showing posts with label kaleb. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kaleb. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
38 ~ Meant To Be Together
My grandmother is still insistent that Kaleb and I will end up married.
She is always dropping hints, or flat-out stating when he enters the conversation, that he was born to be my husband.
It doesn't hurt to here these things anymore. It makes me smile, I pretend to be grossed out, my heart warms a little, and I move on with my day.
Am I to that point of not being in love love with him? Have I merely excepted that if or if not, there is no point in worrying about when? Or is it simpler--is it that I have other things to think about, and I have returned to being passive about my love life, and sex in and of itself does not dominate my thoughts?
Maybe, just maybe, I think she's right, and I'm biding my time, patient that everything will work out perfectly in the end.
At the very least, I am patient, and I am confident, and I am most definitely HAPPY :)
She is always dropping hints, or flat-out stating when he enters the conversation, that he was born to be my husband.
It doesn't hurt to here these things anymore. It makes me smile, I pretend to be grossed out, my heart warms a little, and I move on with my day.
Am I to that point of not being in love love with him? Have I merely excepted that if or if not, there is no point in worrying about when? Or is it simpler--is it that I have other things to think about, and I have returned to being passive about my love life, and sex in and of itself does not dominate my thoughts?
Maybe, just maybe, I think she's right, and I'm biding my time, patient that everything will work out perfectly in the end.
At the very least, I am patient, and I am confident, and I am most definitely HAPPY :)
Monday, February 22, 2010
30 ~ My Type
I seem to be unique amongst my female peers in that I know that I do not know what I want.
Seriously.
I think I came to this realization during my first real relationship. I loved Quinn, and I still do (though no longer more than I should), but OH MY GOD, SHE PISSED THE HELL OUT OF ME. She was everything that I'm attracted to--sarcastic, confident, Alpha, very masculine (though she's female), and sexy as hell.
Which meant she was also hurtful, arrogant, pushy, aloof, and cocky.
Kaleb is the same way. They both don't know when to quit teasing me, or how to back off, or when to shut up, or when to speak up, or how to admit when they're wrong.
It is not all their fault, not by a long shot. I tell them to stop, but where's the line between giggling girl and angry female? I want to stop talking, but when do I really need to take a step back? I ask them to open up, but what's the difference between heart-to-heart and casual conversation? I point out when they're in the wrong, but when am I right?
I. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. CLUE.
So why should they?
What I want is an Alpha male, which so easily turns into the jerk boyfriend. What I think I need is William (my dream guy; I wrote about him in an earlier post), but he's so improbably I might as well marry a mannequin. What do I actually need? I can't honestly say that I know.
My type is NOT what I think it is, say it is, or want it to be. This is true of most women. We have no fucking clue, but we expect YOU to be that ideal. Which is bullshit.
Nice guys are unappealing. Bad boys only seem like a good idea at the time. Alphas are difficult to handle. Pussies are superfluous--I already have one, thanks.
Sam is an amazing girl, and she's a mixture of what I am attracted to and what I want to be my type, but we haven't had the chance to really have a relationship. Our first two years was marred by our personal demons; our last year together was tumultuous and exciting and invigorating and maddening. We have changed so much, I have no idea what's in store for us or what we would have together.
The moral of this story is: I don't have a goddamn clue. About ANYTHING. And I'm woman enough to admit it.
And I'm no closer to answers or solutions than I was when I thought I knew something :/
Seriously.
I think I came to this realization during my first real relationship. I loved Quinn, and I still do (though no longer more than I should), but OH MY GOD, SHE PISSED THE HELL OUT OF ME. She was everything that I'm attracted to--sarcastic, confident, Alpha, very masculine (though she's female), and sexy as hell.
Which meant she was also hurtful, arrogant, pushy, aloof, and cocky.
Kaleb is the same way. They both don't know when to quit teasing me, or how to back off, or when to shut up, or when to speak up, or how to admit when they're wrong.
It is not all their fault, not by a long shot. I tell them to stop, but where's the line between giggling girl and angry female? I want to stop talking, but when do I really need to take a step back? I ask them to open up, but what's the difference between heart-to-heart and casual conversation? I point out when they're in the wrong, but when am I right?
I. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. CLUE.
So why should they?
What I want is an Alpha male, which so easily turns into the jerk boyfriend. What I think I need is William (my dream guy; I wrote about him in an earlier post), but he's so improbably I might as well marry a mannequin. What do I actually need? I can't honestly say that I know.
My type is NOT what I think it is, say it is, or want it to be. This is true of most women. We have no fucking clue, but we expect YOU to be that ideal. Which is bullshit.
Nice guys are unappealing. Bad boys only seem like a good idea at the time. Alphas are difficult to handle. Pussies are superfluous--I already have one, thanks.
Sam is an amazing girl, and she's a mixture of what I am attracted to and what I want to be my type, but we haven't had the chance to really have a relationship. Our first two years was marred by our personal demons; our last year together was tumultuous and exciting and invigorating and maddening. We have changed so much, I have no idea what's in store for us or what we would have together.
The moral of this story is: I don't have a goddamn clue. About ANYTHING. And I'm woman enough to admit it.
And I'm no closer to answers or solutions than I was when I thought I knew something :/
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
27.5 ~ Kaleb Addendum
Yesterday's post really got to me as I was writing it, so I wasn't thinking clearly enough to finish the list.
7) Our lives are rooted in completely different places, and headed in completely different directions. I'm in Texas. He's in West Virginia. He has a life based completely on things not-me. I want to travel. He has obligations, family...everything. It's not perfect, but it's not me.
8) We are five years apart. This wouldn't be such a big deal, except he feels like it is, especially since he only goes for older women. I'm his "baby sister," emphasis on the baby, and he'd never let that change.
8.5) He's known me since I was 6, and even if he tried, I doubt he could banish thoughts of me as a child from his mind. Every mention of me growing up makes him revert to brotherly fear and rage, and sex just wouldn't work like that.
9) I will never confess my feelings for him, to him. I can barely stand the thought of telling my parents about my religion or my romantic life and polyamorous plans! They still don't know that, or this, and I'm not anywhere near ready to change that.
10) I'm afraid of what it would do to the us we have now. Would he never be able to look at me again if I told him? If we could actually try, and it failed, what then? I would rather be melancholy for the rest of my life, have sex dreams with him, replaced my partner with thoughts of him, than risk it.
11) I'm afraid he wouldn't like me as a girlfriend. I'm not always mature, and he pisses me off, and I like pissing him off, and I don't know what interests we share, if any, and, and, and...
But, but, but...
And yesterday's 6 was utter bullshit, so revised...
6) I'm not a decent match for him. Perfect doesn't exist, but I doubt we'd mesh well. I can barely tolerate him most of the time, even though I love him. So why do I love him? I don't know. On one hand, I am head-over-heels attracted to his Alpha nature. On the other, it clashes with my own Alpha nature. And, honestly, his sarcasm and wit borders on cruel, or at least it feels that way to me. Most of what he says to me jokingly hurts. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I love him and I wish he would see me that way, too, but it hurts to talk to him, to think about him. Every time I feel like I'm over it, it comes back tenfold.
Why am I in love with Kaleb? Beats me...in every way possible.
Can I be over him now? Please?
If only...
TOMORROW WILL BE OFF THE SELF-PITY WAGON...IF IT HAPPENS AT ALL...I SWEAR!!!
7) Our lives are rooted in completely different places, and headed in completely different directions. I'm in Texas. He's in West Virginia. He has a life based completely on things not-me. I want to travel. He has obligations, family...everything. It's not perfect, but it's not me.
8) We are five years apart. This wouldn't be such a big deal, except he feels like it is, especially since he only goes for older women. I'm his "baby sister," emphasis on the baby, and he'd never let that change.
8.5) He's known me since I was 6, and even if he tried, I doubt he could banish thoughts of me as a child from his mind. Every mention of me growing up makes him revert to brotherly fear and rage, and sex just wouldn't work like that.
9) I will never confess my feelings for him, to him. I can barely stand the thought of telling my parents about my religion or my romantic life and polyamorous plans! They still don't know that, or this, and I'm not anywhere near ready to change that.
10) I'm afraid of what it would do to the us we have now. Would he never be able to look at me again if I told him? If we could actually try, and it failed, what then? I would rather be melancholy for the rest of my life, have sex dreams with him, replaced my partner with thoughts of him, than risk it.
11) I'm afraid he wouldn't like me as a girlfriend. I'm not always mature, and he pisses me off, and I like pissing him off, and I don't know what interests we share, if any, and, and, and...
But, but, but...
And yesterday's 6 was utter bullshit, so revised...
6) I'm not a decent match for him. Perfect doesn't exist, but I doubt we'd mesh well. I can barely tolerate him most of the time, even though I love him. So why do I love him? I don't know. On one hand, I am head-over-heels attracted to his Alpha nature. On the other, it clashes with my own Alpha nature. And, honestly, his sarcasm and wit borders on cruel, or at least it feels that way to me. Most of what he says to me jokingly hurts. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I love him and I wish he would see me that way, too, but it hurts to talk to him, to think about him. Every time I feel like I'm over it, it comes back tenfold.
Why am I in love with Kaleb? Beats me...in every way possible.
Can I be over him now? Please?
If only...
TOMORROW WILL BE OFF THE SELF-PITY WAGON...IF IT HAPPENS AT ALL...I SWEAR!!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
27 ~ Why Kaleb?
I have been asking myself this question recently.
Why in the motherfucking cocktease shit-for-brains HELL am I in love with Kaleb?
My language is so edified, eh?
This is a serious concern, however, and one I am stupefied that I haven't been thinking about it before. I'd always focused on why a relationship with him is impossible--the reasons are endless--but I never did any self-reflection on the matter.
Until now.
So, without further ado...
1) I don't know him well enough. We never really talk, especially now that we live so far apart. Even when he was in VA and I was in MD, he wasn't around much; he has his own life. Every moment I spent with him was a treasure I refused to admit. When he'd chat with my parents and I'd "inconspicuously" curl up on his lap...he was so warm, and he smelled so good...I never fell asleep though, afraid to lose even a single moment with him...and the driving lessons! Oh, I wish I had had more of those with him...
2) We don't have much in common. Not that I really know, because we never talk, but we're so different, and from such different lives...
3) He sees me as a little sister. I've known that he's supposed to be my big brother, but I haven't actually thought of him that way in a very long time. But he has. I've just been saying the words, but he means them. He threatens violence upon my future boyfriends. He wants to know the second that I hit the next big milestone--losing my virginity--so he can freak out at me. It's so fun to tease him, but at the same time, the thought seriously worries me. I want to be his little sister, because I want him to never let go...I want us to be special, even if not in THAT way...wow this has strayed from the point...
4) His type is older, taller, and skinnier than I am. I have seen his fiances and love affairs come and go. He was a horn dog in college while I was still in middle school, and some of his exes are as old as my PARENTS. They were all more sophisticated, more level with him, and more graceful in appearance.
5) He must never know that I love him this way. It would ruin everything.
6) I'm not good enough.
...Alright, now I'm just getting mopey...but really, who am I kidding? All my fantasies of him--which go in and out of style, but are always abundant and pervasive when I'm in the cycle (it happens every few weeks, of course)--are impossible, and nothing more than more pain for the eventual, hard, utter let-down.
Here's hoping that let-down leaves him in the dark, or else gods-know what shape I'll be in...I don't want to never talk to him again. I love him, no idea why, but I do...and I miss a man I have never, will never, can never have.
Why in the motherfucking cocktease shit-for-brains HELL am I in love with Kaleb?
My language is so edified, eh?
This is a serious concern, however, and one I am stupefied that I haven't been thinking about it before. I'd always focused on why a relationship with him is impossible--the reasons are endless--but I never did any self-reflection on the matter.
Until now.
So, without further ado...
1) I don't know him well enough. We never really talk, especially now that we live so far apart. Even when he was in VA and I was in MD, he wasn't around much; he has his own life. Every moment I spent with him was a treasure I refused to admit. When he'd chat with my parents and I'd "inconspicuously" curl up on his lap...he was so warm, and he smelled so good...I never fell asleep though, afraid to lose even a single moment with him...and the driving lessons! Oh, I wish I had had more of those with him...
2) We don't have much in common. Not that I really know, because we never talk, but we're so different, and from such different lives...
3) He sees me as a little sister. I've known that he's supposed to be my big brother, but I haven't actually thought of him that way in a very long time. But he has. I've just been saying the words, but he means them. He threatens violence upon my future boyfriends. He wants to know the second that I hit the next big milestone--losing my virginity--so he can freak out at me. It's so fun to tease him, but at the same time, the thought seriously worries me. I want to be his little sister, because I want him to never let go...I want us to be special, even if not in THAT way...wow this has strayed from the point...
4) His type is older, taller, and skinnier than I am. I have seen his fiances and love affairs come and go. He was a horn dog in college while I was still in middle school, and some of his exes are as old as my PARENTS. They were all more sophisticated, more level with him, and more graceful in appearance.
5) He must never know that I love him this way. It would ruin everything.
6) I'm not good enough.
...Alright, now I'm just getting mopey...but really, who am I kidding? All my fantasies of him--which go in and out of style, but are always abundant and pervasive when I'm in the cycle (it happens every few weeks, of course)--are impossible, and nothing more than more pain for the eventual, hard, utter let-down.
Here's hoping that let-down leaves him in the dark, or else gods-know what shape I'll be in...I don't want to never talk to him again. I love him, no idea why, but I do...and I miss a man I have never, will never, can never have.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
20 ~ Getting Married
No, I am not getting married. Not even close, not anytime soon.
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
11 ~ Hanging Out
I hang out with Hank today.
I woke up at 6:30 and took the wrong bus once in town so I was late. Then we walked, a lot, and he bought me a pack of cigarettes, and we had yummy pizza, and then we played pool. He was in bad form today, and after two hours, I sucked less!
He's cute, and fun, and funny, and charming, and cool. But there wasn't that spark.
I guess I'm yet another girl who doesn't have a clue of what she wants.
Or, maybe I do, but it's Kaleb, and goddammit that ruins it for the rest of us--especially my poor, neglected vagina.
Sigh.
I woke up at 6:30 and took the wrong bus once in town so I was late. Then we walked, a lot, and he bought me a pack of cigarettes, and we had yummy pizza, and then we played pool. He was in bad form today, and after two hours, I sucked less!
He's cute, and fun, and funny, and charming, and cool. But there wasn't that spark.
I guess I'm yet another girl who doesn't have a clue of what she wants.
Or, maybe I do, but it's Kaleb, and goddammit that ruins it for the rest of us--especially my poor, neglected vagina.
Sigh.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
4 ~ My "Plans"
Sam and I are Open, and I am looking for polyamorous relationships as well as FWBs (friends-with-benefits).
Why?
Sam and I are roughly 1500 miles away from one another, and at the earliest (AKA, if I don't, I will scream) I am visiting her this upcoming summer. As well as my best friend, Rose, my non-biological and unrequited love, Kaleb, my good-yet-infuriating pal, Cat, and many others--including, hopefully, a tattoo shop.
Which means that I just can't wait for her.
Polyamory's taglines include "love is infinite" and "we can't be everything to the ones we love." These both apply to Sam and me. I love her, but she doesn't have all my love, and I want her in my life, but the distance is a big barrier. It's hard enough to find a good relationship without suffering for one you want to keep, not kill.
We are on the same page, and it is wonderful. I am moving into this whole thing slower than she is, because I left my entire social life (which took six fucking years to build) back home. A lot of it has fragmented, as everyone's gone off to college, and that's just one more reason why I am now here instead of there.
I'm on OkC, I'm taking things slow, and I have high hopes for the future.
Why?
Sam and I are roughly 1500 miles away from one another, and at the earliest (AKA, if I don't, I will scream) I am visiting her this upcoming summer. As well as my best friend, Rose, my non-biological and unrequited love, Kaleb, my good-yet-infuriating pal, Cat, and many others--including, hopefully, a tattoo shop.
Which means that I just can't wait for her.
Polyamory's taglines include "love is infinite" and "we can't be everything to the ones we love." These both apply to Sam and me. I love her, but she doesn't have all my love, and I want her in my life, but the distance is a big barrier. It's hard enough to find a good relationship without suffering for one you want to keep, not kill.
We are on the same page, and it is wonderful. I am moving into this whole thing slower than she is, because I left my entire social life (which took six fucking years to build) back home. A lot of it has fragmented, as everyone's gone off to college, and that's just one more reason why I am now here instead of there.
I'm on OkC, I'm taking things slow, and I have high hopes for the future.
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