I am CONSTANTLY exhausted in some way. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Always spiritually. I have three weeks till I am done with this semester, but until then, there is no escaping the hell of routine.
However, this is not all bad news. I have absolutely no time or energy to pine for my three favorite things:
1) Unrequited love.
2) Long distance girlfriend.
3) Lack of boyfriend and/or sex.
I love ya, Kaleb; I miss ya, Sam; I want ya, William. But...even now, as I sit here actively thinking of these things I lack, I got nothing. Okay, a vague sense of twisting in my stomach, but that could also be excitement, or mild fear. Like holy shit I have a test tomorrow.
It's oddly peaceful, but not to last. Not when I visit everybody this summer. But until then...my innards are quiet.
Showing posts with label william. Show all posts
Showing posts with label william. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
30 ~ My Type
I seem to be unique amongst my female peers in that I know that I do not know what I want.
Seriously.
I think I came to this realization during my first real relationship. I loved Quinn, and I still do (though no longer more than I should), but OH MY GOD, SHE PISSED THE HELL OUT OF ME. She was everything that I'm attracted to--sarcastic, confident, Alpha, very masculine (though she's female), and sexy as hell.
Which meant she was also hurtful, arrogant, pushy, aloof, and cocky.
Kaleb is the same way. They both don't know when to quit teasing me, or how to back off, or when to shut up, or when to speak up, or how to admit when they're wrong.
It is not all their fault, not by a long shot. I tell them to stop, but where's the line between giggling girl and angry female? I want to stop talking, but when do I really need to take a step back? I ask them to open up, but what's the difference between heart-to-heart and casual conversation? I point out when they're in the wrong, but when am I right?
I. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. CLUE.
So why should they?
What I want is an Alpha male, which so easily turns into the jerk boyfriend. What I think I need is William (my dream guy; I wrote about him in an earlier post), but he's so improbably I might as well marry a mannequin. What do I actually need? I can't honestly say that I know.
My type is NOT what I think it is, say it is, or want it to be. This is true of most women. We have no fucking clue, but we expect YOU to be that ideal. Which is bullshit.
Nice guys are unappealing. Bad boys only seem like a good idea at the time. Alphas are difficult to handle. Pussies are superfluous--I already have one, thanks.
Sam is an amazing girl, and she's a mixture of what I am attracted to and what I want to be my type, but we haven't had the chance to really have a relationship. Our first two years was marred by our personal demons; our last year together was tumultuous and exciting and invigorating and maddening. We have changed so much, I have no idea what's in store for us or what we would have together.
The moral of this story is: I don't have a goddamn clue. About ANYTHING. And I'm woman enough to admit it.
And I'm no closer to answers or solutions than I was when I thought I knew something :/
Seriously.
I think I came to this realization during my first real relationship. I loved Quinn, and I still do (though no longer more than I should), but OH MY GOD, SHE PISSED THE HELL OUT OF ME. She was everything that I'm attracted to--sarcastic, confident, Alpha, very masculine (though she's female), and sexy as hell.
Which meant she was also hurtful, arrogant, pushy, aloof, and cocky.
Kaleb is the same way. They both don't know when to quit teasing me, or how to back off, or when to shut up, or when to speak up, or how to admit when they're wrong.
It is not all their fault, not by a long shot. I tell them to stop, but where's the line between giggling girl and angry female? I want to stop talking, but when do I really need to take a step back? I ask them to open up, but what's the difference between heart-to-heart and casual conversation? I point out when they're in the wrong, but when am I right?
I. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. CLUE.
So why should they?
What I want is an Alpha male, which so easily turns into the jerk boyfriend. What I think I need is William (my dream guy; I wrote about him in an earlier post), but he's so improbably I might as well marry a mannequin. What do I actually need? I can't honestly say that I know.
My type is NOT what I think it is, say it is, or want it to be. This is true of most women. We have no fucking clue, but we expect YOU to be that ideal. Which is bullshit.
Nice guys are unappealing. Bad boys only seem like a good idea at the time. Alphas are difficult to handle. Pussies are superfluous--I already have one, thanks.
Sam is an amazing girl, and she's a mixture of what I am attracted to and what I want to be my type, but we haven't had the chance to really have a relationship. Our first two years was marred by our personal demons; our last year together was tumultuous and exciting and invigorating and maddening. We have changed so much, I have no idea what's in store for us or what we would have together.
The moral of this story is: I don't have a goddamn clue. About ANYTHING. And I'm woman enough to admit it.
And I'm no closer to answers or solutions than I was when I thought I knew something :/
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
20 ~ Getting Married
No, I am not getting married. Not even close, not anytime soon.
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
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