I have been used as a dictionary and thesaurus as long as I can remember. I am a voracious reader, and I have a gift for remembering not only all the new words I read, but how to spell them, what they mean, and what other words are similar to them, and the nuances of their differences.
Last semester in psychology, my class was mostly ignorant to the fact that bisexuality existed, much less pansexuality, what transgenderism really means, and so forth. So I researched the hell out of everything I could--learning a lot of new information in the process, and solidifying what I already knew--and presented this new information to the class. Alone. Of my own free will. For no reason other than to educate a small slice of the population of Texas.
I am certainly not an expert on polyamory or any subculture, for that matter, but I have been exposed to them a lot more than almost all of my peers, even my liberal friends up North. Partly because I am an odd swan even among other ugly ducklings, but mostly because I thirst for knowledge like I thirst for words.
My best friend, Rose, was in a class discussion on sex, and monogamy came up (as it often does). She immediately thought, Ooh, I should bring up poly and stuff! But there wasn't much time left in class, and she couldn't remember all the info I'd thrown her way, regardless. So she plans on bringing it up next class, or on the student disccusion boards.
I am, needless to say, thrilled. I asked her what she remembered, refreshed her memory, kept away from the minutiae (mostly), and dictated that she accredit this knowledge to me when she educated her peers.
I am always willing to learn. I learn every day, and life is so exciting for it. Now if only I'd get a boyfriend, already...
Showing posts with label rose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rose. Show all posts
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
20 ~ Getting Married
No, I am not getting married. Not even close, not anytime soon.
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
14 ~ My Love
Rose and I have been together for one year as of today.
We were friends before, from sixth grade to tenth, but it was not good times, and it was best that we ended it when we did. Then, two years, a lot of tears, pain, and anger later, we rocked hardcore, and started talking again.
And it's been uphill ever since.
Seriously. It just keeps getting better. Is love always like this? Because it's amazingly odd, and I can't think of anyone better suited to being with me for the rest of my life.
Just without the sex. That's what makes us work flawlessly :)
We were friends before, from sixth grade to tenth, but it was not good times, and it was best that we ended it when we did. Then, two years, a lot of tears, pain, and anger later, we rocked hardcore, and started talking again.
And it's been uphill ever since.
Seriously. It just keeps getting better. Is love always like this? Because it's amazingly odd, and I can't think of anyone better suited to being with me for the rest of my life.
Just without the sex. That's what makes us work flawlessly :)
Friday, January 15, 2010
10 ~ I Apologize...
...TO NO ONE!
At least, not as far as my choices in life, love, religion, and relationships go.
To suggest that anyone has the right or the power to make me feel small or dirty or evil for the way I live my life is beyond wrong, it is DESPICABLE.
I do not give a shit what strangers think of me. I care about what my parents think of me (to a certain extent), what my family thinks of me (to a certain extent), to what my brother thinks of me (absolutely), what my Rose thinks of me (times a million)...so I really don't have time to care about THE WORLD.
Fact is, there are SIX BILLION people on this earth, and if given the opportunity, they would ALL have their own thoughts on how I live my life. Good people would have negative things to say, bad people would have positive, and vice versa. Yes, it would be grand if my idols and people who inspire me and people who are awesome all thought Damn that Agri is one awesome chick, but most of them will ever even know I EXIST, much less how I function, much less agree with who and what I am.
And that's okay.
If the Dalai Lama and Melissa Marr and Sexie Sadie never know me, never think of me, never have opinions on me, that's okay. And if THAT is okay, so is the throngs of close-minded or just different minded people out there who WILL come into contact with me.
I really don't have the time to worry about it.
Note: Post inspired by rereading Sexie Sadie yet again. It's a passionate subject with me, as I have struggled with caring about public opinion in my past, and gods-know I am not necessarily over it 1,000%, but my feelings remain the same.
At least, not as far as my choices in life, love, religion, and relationships go.
To suggest that anyone has the right or the power to make me feel small or dirty or evil for the way I live my life is beyond wrong, it is DESPICABLE.
I do not give a shit what strangers think of me. I care about what my parents think of me (to a certain extent), what my family thinks of me (to a certain extent), to what my brother thinks of me (absolutely), what my Rose thinks of me (times a million)...so I really don't have time to care about THE WORLD.
Fact is, there are SIX BILLION people on this earth, and if given the opportunity, they would ALL have their own thoughts on how I live my life. Good people would have negative things to say, bad people would have positive, and vice versa. Yes, it would be grand if my idols and people who inspire me and people who are awesome all thought Damn that Agri is one awesome chick, but most of them will ever even know I EXIST, much less how I function, much less agree with who and what I am.
And that's okay.
If the Dalai Lama and Melissa Marr and Sexie Sadie never know me, never think of me, never have opinions on me, that's okay. And if THAT is okay, so is the throngs of close-minded or just different minded people out there who WILL come into contact with me.
I really don't have the time to worry about it.
Note: Post inspired by rereading Sexie Sadie yet again. It's a passionate subject with me, as I have struggled with caring about public opinion in my past, and gods-know I am not necessarily over it 1,000%, but my feelings remain the same.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
9 ~ Shitstorm Imminent
I am going to fuck this up.
Polyamory, romance, love, life, everything, in general.
Maybe a lot, maybe a little, maybe both.
It's how everything works.
There are learning curves and there is trial-and-error and there is dumb, blind luck. So many factors, so many variables that are so important and so impossible to predict.
Even if I was perfect, which I am SO not, there would be fuck-ups. It's the way things work. I am not being pessimistic or fatalistic, as much as it sounds that way.
I am an optimist wrapped in realism, I am a realist wrapped in pessimism, I am a pessimist wrapped in optimism.
I hope for--and work for--the best, but life happens. I know that life is crazy and wild and unpredictable and balance, and bad things will come of it. I have been through, continue to, and will always have shit to deal with--but life is worth it, life is also REALLY FUCKING AWESOME.
I know there will be good, I know there will be bad...I know all of that is just perspective, I know everything will eventually pass, and change.
I'm okay with that. I relish it. I thrive in it. I am HAPPY for it.
All I hope is to do my best, continue to grow closer to Rose, and LEARN. Always, always, ALWAYS learn from my mistakes, my successes, the mistakes and successes of others.
That's LIFE, and whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, it will always be, just...life.
Just making sure it's obvious NOW, so that I don't seem to be ONLY retrospective, and because--when the time comes--I'm sure I'll appreciate the reminder...from myself...preemptively.
Polyamory, romance, love, life, everything, in general.
Maybe a lot, maybe a little, maybe both.
It's how everything works.
There are learning curves and there is trial-and-error and there is dumb, blind luck. So many factors, so many variables that are so important and so impossible to predict.
Even if I was perfect, which I am SO not, there would be fuck-ups. It's the way things work. I am not being pessimistic or fatalistic, as much as it sounds that way.
I am an optimist wrapped in realism, I am a realist wrapped in pessimism, I am a pessimist wrapped in optimism.
I hope for--and work for--the best, but life happens. I know that life is crazy and wild and unpredictable and balance, and bad things will come of it. I have been through, continue to, and will always have shit to deal with--but life is worth it, life is also REALLY FUCKING AWESOME.
I know there will be good, I know there will be bad...I know all of that is just perspective, I know everything will eventually pass, and change.
I'm okay with that. I relish it. I thrive in it. I am HAPPY for it.
All I hope is to do my best, continue to grow closer to Rose, and LEARN. Always, always, ALWAYS learn from my mistakes, my successes, the mistakes and successes of others.
That's LIFE, and whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, it will always be, just...life.
Just making sure it's obvious NOW, so that I don't seem to be ONLY retrospective, and because--when the time comes--I'm sure I'll appreciate the reminder...from myself...preemptively.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
7 ~ True Love
True love is what a mother feels for a child.
True love is what a couple of seventy years feels for each other.
True love is what I feel for Rose.
I truly love my parents. I truly love my brothers. I truly love my friends, my Sam, my self...but TRUE LOVE is something altogether different.
True love is sharing white chocolate, which is like WHOA. True love is the willingness to share sushi (which Rose doesn't like anyway). True love is being okay with your best friend having a crush on your boyfriend, because really, I tell you everything, and it is amazing, so OF COURSE you are crushing ;)
True love is selfless. True love is constant. True love is deep and pure and everlasting. True love is giving all the pieces of ourselves over for scrutiny, even the parts we have yet to reconcile with. True love is being able to share anything and everything--and constantly--and knowing it will never come back to bite you in the ass, in any way, EVER.
I know that I have the capacity for many loves. (DUH, POLY-AMORY!) However...I do not have the time. I love my self so much, and my solitude, and so many others, that in order to balance them all (which I still suck at) I simply cannot deal with too many people.
FWBs are one thing. Even boyfriends are completely separate. Love, in all its myriad, wonderful, common-yet-extraordinary forms has nothing to do with TRUE LOVE.
I have a true love in Roselyn. Superior to any boyfriend. We are connected in all ways--mental, emotional, metaphysical--in spite of the distance. In fact, that 1500 mile separation has had no effect on us whatsoever. We grow closer DAILY.
I am completely happy with having Rose, and boyfriends, and FWBs, and friends, and family all separate. One day I will also have children, and, and, and...it's endless.
But Rose is constant. And she is ALL I need in this department.
As for my other true love...well, my dog can have her post later :)
True love is what a couple of seventy years feels for each other.
True love is what I feel for Rose.
I truly love my parents. I truly love my brothers. I truly love my friends, my Sam, my self...but TRUE LOVE is something altogether different.
True love is sharing white chocolate, which is like WHOA. True love is the willingness to share sushi (which Rose doesn't like anyway). True love is being okay with your best friend having a crush on your boyfriend, because really, I tell you everything, and it is amazing, so OF COURSE you are crushing ;)
True love is selfless. True love is constant. True love is deep and pure and everlasting. True love is giving all the pieces of ourselves over for scrutiny, even the parts we have yet to reconcile with. True love is being able to share anything and everything--and constantly--and knowing it will never come back to bite you in the ass, in any way, EVER.
I know that I have the capacity for many loves. (DUH, POLY-AMORY!) However...I do not have the time. I love my self so much, and my solitude, and so many others, that in order to balance them all (which I still suck at) I simply cannot deal with too many people.
FWBs are one thing. Even boyfriends are completely separate. Love, in all its myriad, wonderful, common-yet-extraordinary forms has nothing to do with TRUE LOVE.
I have a true love in Roselyn. Superior to any boyfriend. We are connected in all ways--mental, emotional, metaphysical--in spite of the distance. In fact, that 1500 mile separation has had no effect on us whatsoever. We grow closer DAILY.
I am completely happy with having Rose, and boyfriends, and FWBs, and friends, and family all separate. One day I will also have children, and, and, and...it's endless.
But Rose is constant. And she is ALL I need in this department.
As for my other true love...well, my dog can have her post later :)
Saturday, January 9, 2010
4 ~ My "Plans"
Sam and I are Open, and I am looking for polyamorous relationships as well as FWBs (friends-with-benefits).
Why?
Sam and I are roughly 1500 miles away from one another, and at the earliest (AKA, if I don't, I will scream) I am visiting her this upcoming summer. As well as my best friend, Rose, my non-biological and unrequited love, Kaleb, my good-yet-infuriating pal, Cat, and many others--including, hopefully, a tattoo shop.
Which means that I just can't wait for her.
Polyamory's taglines include "love is infinite" and "we can't be everything to the ones we love." These both apply to Sam and me. I love her, but she doesn't have all my love, and I want her in my life, but the distance is a big barrier. It's hard enough to find a good relationship without suffering for one you want to keep, not kill.
We are on the same page, and it is wonderful. I am moving into this whole thing slower than she is, because I left my entire social life (which took six fucking years to build) back home. A lot of it has fragmented, as everyone's gone off to college, and that's just one more reason why I am now here instead of there.
I'm on OkC, I'm taking things slow, and I have high hopes for the future.
Why?
Sam and I are roughly 1500 miles away from one another, and at the earliest (AKA, if I don't, I will scream) I am visiting her this upcoming summer. As well as my best friend, Rose, my non-biological and unrequited love, Kaleb, my good-yet-infuriating pal, Cat, and many others--including, hopefully, a tattoo shop.
Which means that I just can't wait for her.
Polyamory's taglines include "love is infinite" and "we can't be everything to the ones we love." These both apply to Sam and me. I love her, but she doesn't have all my love, and I want her in my life, but the distance is a big barrier. It's hard enough to find a good relationship without suffering for one you want to keep, not kill.
We are on the same page, and it is wonderful. I am moving into this whole thing slower than she is, because I left my entire social life (which took six fucking years to build) back home. A lot of it has fragmented, as everyone's gone off to college, and that's just one more reason why I am now here instead of there.
I'm on OkC, I'm taking things slow, and I have high hopes for the future.
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