50 ~ Silver Lining

I am CONSTANTLY exhausted in some way. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Always spiritually. I have three weeks till I am done with this semester, but until then, there is no escaping the hell of routine.

However, this is not all bad news. I have absolutely no time or energy to pine for my three favorite things:

1) Unrequited love.

2) Long distance girlfriend.

3) Lack of boyfriend and/or sex.

I love ya, Kaleb; I miss ya, Sam; I want ya, William. But...even now, as I sit here actively thinking of these things I lack, I got nothing. Okay, a vague sense of twisting in my stomach, but that could also be excitement, or mild fear. Like holy shit I have a test tomorrow.

It's oddly peaceful, but not to last. Not when I visit everybody this summer. But until then...my innards are quiet.

18 ~ Open Marriages

I discovered polyamory online, and solidified my understanding through Sexie Sadie's blog, through which I also discovered Jenny Block. (I still need to read her novel, Open.)

Open marriages intrigue me. If I get married one day, the likelihood of it being monogamous is minimal. Either I'll marry my Sam, or I'll marry a man and hope to keep a relationship with Sam, and whoever else I am with at the time. (I am open to change, and I may end up monogamous; it depends on the situation. No need to worry about that just yet. I don't even have a love life now.)

Jenny Block's immediately clicked with me, because that's what I am, essentially, planning for myself. A boyfriend and a girlfriend. (Maybe more, but again, who knows?) I'm bisexual, and I am too intense for just one relationship, I think. Especially now, in my blossoming adult life.

Sexie Sadie's example, however, did not really appeal to me at first. I preferred the idea of polyamory--multiple romantic partners, V's and quads, and so forth. Though now I realize Sam and I are more Open than anything, my interest stands.

What baffles me, however, aside from the entire marriage deal, is people's reactions to nonmonogamy. People baffle me regularly on a plethora of subjects, why would this be any different? It doesn't help that polyamory is widely unknown, misunderstood, and fairly unusual. But in this brave new world--in America of all places, where we be inured to new ideas al-damn-ready--people still react with hate, intolerance, and cruelty.

Husbands in open relationships seem to catch more specific shit than open wives, who are labeled "sluts" or "whores" (like any sexually liberated female, sadly), but it is the men that have difficulty finding partners and not being treated like a misogynistic prick for their choices.

Even though, as far as I have seen (and I could, of course, be completely wrong), it is the wives who suggest opening up the marriage. I don't know of many examples, but between Sexie Sadie, Jenny Block, and Frederick, it was always the woman who brought the idea up. Whether because they were unable to be monogamous, unable to avoid cheating, or whatever else, it was the women who brought it up first.

This makes sense to me. Most guys seem unable to brave that little bit of communication. They might not want to try because they want their wives more than anything, or they'd rather just cheat than risk her trust and partnership, but men--the biologically hornier of the sexes--keep quiet on these ideas. And that's admirable, but unfair.

Maybe, just maybe, more women would be open to such an arrangement than most people think. Men want to have sex, a lot, and few things get in their way. Women succumb to fatigue, and menstruation, and pregnancy, and not being in the mood, and even age. Men are almost always willing, never menstruate, never get pregnant, are almost always willing (did I already say that?), and keep at it until well into middle age. (They can keep fathering children, for gods-sake!) As long as the relationship was honest and open, the extra spice openness can bring into a marriage is very appealing.

Obviously this would not work for everyone. Many people love being monogamous, and others can't get over jealousy, or have problems being completely communicative, or don't have time in their life for the extra stress and work openness requires. But if it was a more acceptable alternative to divorce and unhappiness, and if there was more of a community to help married people out...it seems like all this would work better.

But what do I know? ;P

15 ~ My Wife

Every time Sam and I talk lately, it's mostly about marriage.

As in, my dad loves her now, so he'll probably give us his blessing.

As in, I already discussed it with him.

As in, fucking hell yes.

It's odd, and awesome, and really? I would love to marry Sam. I always imagined myself getting married to a dude, but with poly, I wouldn't have to give up hetero-sex...y'know, when I start having it and all.

So...yeah. Hm...

5 ~ Knowing Compersion

I know I'm skipping around quite a bit, but I first felt that polyamory was right for me--plausible, possible, probable--when I discovered that I feel compersion.

Compersion is a polyamory term that corresponds to the feeling of pleasure or joy because a partner is experiencing it, though their source is one outside yourself.

Sam has a boyfriend, and not only do I feel absolutely no jealousy, I feel downright happy to know she has someone to spend time with and have fun with while I am unavailable.

Plus, he knows about us and is perfectly amenable.

Not only did I experience compersion, I experienced it even after Cat was the one to tell me first that Sam had a boyfriend. (I finally, after several weeks, know his damn name--Edward. And he's super cute, of course; we would accept nothing less.) I was totally unphased. Essentially, my response was, "I love her, I trust her, and we agreed to date outside one another. Her not telling me doesn't mean anything. It's her life, and I'm happy for her."

This new direction I am taking feels juuust right.

4 ~ My "Plans"

Sam and I are Open, and I am looking for polyamorous relationships as well as FWBs (friends-with-benefits).

Why?

Sam and I are roughly 1500 miles away from one another, and at the earliest (AKA, if I don't, I will scream) I am visiting her this upcoming summer. As well as my best friend, Rose, my non-biological and unrequited love, Kaleb, my good-yet-infuriating pal, Cat, and many others--including, hopefully, a tattoo shop.

Which means that I just can't wait for her.

Polyamory's taglines include "love is infinite" and "we can't be everything to the ones we love." These both apply to Sam and me. I love her, but she doesn't have all my love, and I want her in my life, but the distance is a big barrier. It's hard enough to find a good relationship without suffering for one you want to keep, not kill.

We are on the same page, and it is wonderful. I am moving into this whole thing slower than she is, because I left my entire social life (which took six fucking years to build) back home. A lot of it has fragmented, as everyone's gone off to college, and that's just one more reason why I am now here instead of there.

I'm on OkC, I'm taking things slow, and I have high hopes for the future.

3 ~ Sexual History

Many would consider me "not really poly," and I don't disagree with them...for now.

In fact, I'm "not really anything" right now, because I am still a virgin. Eighteen years old and still a virgin. The thought plagues me daily.

There's no good reason for it. I was raised with amazing, understanding parents who taught me to think for myself and love who I am as a person. It took me a while to get there, but I'm here, and still no sex.

Sometimes it feels like a divine conspiracy. I am pretty, I have D-cups and a Puerto Rican ass, and I'm a totally awesome person. I have fooled around with several girls, most especially my ex Quinn, and with one guy, Kevin (K) my ex semi-boyfriend. But still no sex.

Part of that is because I have a high opinion of myself and standards to match, even when I was at my most depressed and self-hateful. (I am very proud of myself for avoiding dumbass decisions!) Even when I was getting shit-faced and making out with girls in closets and rubbing up on guys I'd never met. For which I am ever grateful, no thanks to Catherine (Cat), my ex-best still-friend. But I digress.

Whatever the reason, I am NOT going to endure my virginity for my longer. I am on OkCupid, I am chatting people up, I have plans for next week, I am going to college, and I am an adult. I may live with my parents, but I am their ward no longer.

The result? Sam and I are Open.

1 ~ Finding Polyamory

Like any story worth reading, mine begins with a girl.

Three years ago, I met Samantha.

Sam and I were both 15, though not long after we met we turned 16. It was a crazy time for us both. Ironically enough, both of our emotional terrorists were named Frederick. I was unaware of just how deeply her pain ran, or just how badly she was hurting herself, but there were no lasting ill-effects beyond the usual emotional scars.

We clicked almost instantly. Our macabre humor was born of ugliness, but gave us a change to freak out our classmares and be like no other to each other.

Sam had a crush on me, and I had a crush on Sam. But nothing ever happened. I had a long-distance girlfriend (Quinn) and I hated myself too much to ever believe she could like me, so of course nothing came of it. Except, of course, my novel.

Looking back, it was all quite obvious. We have always behaved like a couple, rife with drama, but without all the fun, sexy stuff. I have a lot of fond memories, and a lot of less-than-pleasant ones, but I regret none of them.

About a year and a half ago, we had lost touch, and I emailed her so delicately and sweetly that she had her boyfriend drive her to my house at 1am, where we proceeded to talk-talk-talk-talk and talk some more--as well as to kiss, once, clumsily, with teeth, and me laughing, and the mood never recovered.

Again, we fell out of contact for a while.

Then, in the second half of my last year of high school, we reconnected. She saved me on a regular basis from my last two classes and drove me anywhere and everywhere. Usually to the mall. We talked and laughed and cut class with none of my teachers ever the wiser. Once again, we might as well have been a couple.

Then, disaster hit.

Disaster for "us," anyway. Right after graduation, I was to move away, to Texas. We were reconnecting, a relationship was imminent...but it wasn't enough of a reason for me to stay in a worse economy, where even with a scholarship I would have to pay for room and board, food, transportation, and everything else. Where would my dog go? How would I afford a place? Was it worth it?

No, it wasn't worth staying where I had no family and few friends.

The night before I left, she visited me briefly, and when I walked her to her car in the middle of a dark and creepy street, she kissed me. Three times. On the lips, so sweetly, so softly. I was stunned, I had no idea how to react. Another friend of mine was standing right there!

So I said goodbye, and I left, and now I'm here.

But this is not the end of Sam and I. Oh, no, not by a long shot, not if I can help it. You see, I missed her terribly when I came here, all alone in this house for several weeks, that one of my first acts upon getting the internet back was to talk to her on Facebook. Late at night and for hours. I wanted her and I to be something, and she wanted that, too.

But we had to face the facts. I may be female, but I am pretty damn horny, and I've been lonely enough for the past eighteen years, I saw no reason to keep that up. Neither did she.

So I hopped onto Google...

And there it was, the answer to my problems.

Polyamory.