Teehee, it's so much fun to say I'm "boyfriends searching." It tickles me pink still, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
I messaged a whole bunch of OkCupidians a couple of days ago after searching for "polyamory" in my area. I have no idea why I didn't do this earlier, but better late than later! So far I have gotten two responses, and they are very intelligent and intriguing responses. I kinda sound like a dumbass, but oh well. I also often sound like I'm high--which I'm not--so hopefully it's not held against me too harshly.
I think that those who identify as polyamorous are more intelligent than the average dating site persona. Most people on dating sites are scammers, too ugly or socially awkward to date easily elsewhere, and downright idiotic in their responses. I have come across plenty of all three.
Most of the time when I look for people on OkC, I ask myself, Oh gods, what's wrong with this one? Because who the hell uses dating sites? The real catches can get dates in the active world--unless there are other circumstances: time-consuming job, divorced and with children, socially awkward...
Or polyamorous.
It's quite difficult to find other people who practice polyamory, especially in very Christian areas, especially far away from big cities where poly conventions and the like might be held.
What's wrong with me? I suck at talking to people in person, I am not inviting at first glance, and I love my alone time. Today, a boy from my English class actually talked to me, and I was not verbose or warm or engaging. I really suck at being calm and open when alone and in a foreign setting. My truest personality doesn't come out when I'm tired and away from my friends and all around feeling blah.
Hopefully the online searches are fruitful; hopefully I run into a cute and cool guy at school; hopefully, hopefully, hopefully. I suck at this whole dating thing, I have no experience, but I shan't give up! If nothing else, my libido won't let me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
20 ~ Getting Married
No, I am not getting married. Not even close, not anytime soon.
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
19 ~ HOLY SHIT!!!
Polyweekly (on Twitter) just posted about this here blog.
I am ecstatic and tickled and excited, but my only intellectual response is "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! SOMEBODY NOTICED???"
I supposed I am doing this for something other than boredom ;)
Did I mention that I love polyweekly? No? WELL I DO!
And, um...yeah. Being 18 is so fun, because that just made my day into awesomeness :D
Though now I feel really boring as there is nothing much going on in my life in this direction. But who knows? Maybe I'll get interesting in lieu of this joy :)
Also, I just checked out my profile views (it's amazing how little I pay attention, haha), and apparently it's around 81. Coolness! Lack of comments nonwithstanding, that's pretty badass.
I am ecstatic and tickled and excited, but my only intellectual response is "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! SOMEBODY NOTICED???"
I supposed I am doing this for something other than boredom ;)
Did I mention that I love polyweekly? No? WELL I DO!
And, um...yeah. Being 18 is so fun, because that just made my day into awesomeness :D
Though now I feel really boring as there is nothing much going on in my life in this direction. But who knows? Maybe I'll get interesting in lieu of this joy :)
Also, I just checked out my profile views (it's amazing how little I pay attention, haha), and apparently it's around 81. Coolness! Lack of comments nonwithstanding, that's pretty badass.
Monday, January 25, 2010
18 ~ Open Marriages
I discovered polyamory online, and solidified my understanding through Sexie Sadie's blog, through which I also discovered Jenny Block. (I still need to read her novel, Open.)
Open marriages intrigue me. If I get married one day, the likelihood of it being monogamous is minimal. Either I'll marry my Sam, or I'll marry a man and hope to keep a relationship with Sam, and whoever else I am with at the time. (I am open to change, and I may end up monogamous; it depends on the situation. No need to worry about that just yet. I don't even have a love life now.)
Jenny Block's immediately clicked with me, because that's what I am, essentially, planning for myself. A boyfriend and a girlfriend. (Maybe more, but again, who knows?) I'm bisexual, and I am too intense for just one relationship, I think. Especially now, in my blossoming adult life.
Sexie Sadie's example, however, did not really appeal to me at first. I preferred the idea of polyamory--multiple romantic partners, V's and quads, and so forth. Though now I realize Sam and I are more Open than anything, my interest stands.
What baffles me, however, aside from the entire marriage deal, is people's reactions to nonmonogamy. People baffle me regularly on a plethora of subjects, why would this be any different? It doesn't help that polyamory is widely unknown, misunderstood, and fairly unusual. But in this brave new world--in America of all places, where we be inured to new ideas al-damn-ready--people still react with hate, intolerance, and cruelty.
Husbands in open relationships seem to catch more specific shit than open wives, who are labeled "sluts" or "whores" (like any sexually liberated female, sadly), but it is the men that have difficulty finding partners and not being treated like a misogynistic prick for their choices.
Even though, as far as I have seen (and I could, of course, be completely wrong), it is the wives who suggest opening up the marriage. I don't know of many examples, but between Sexie Sadie, Jenny Block, and Frederick, it was always the woman who brought the idea up. Whether because they were unable to be monogamous, unable to avoid cheating, or whatever else, it was the women who brought it up first.
This makes sense to me. Most guys seem unable to brave that little bit of communication. They might not want to try because they want their wives more than anything, or they'd rather just cheat than risk her trust and partnership, but men--the biologically hornier of the sexes--keep quiet on these ideas. And that's admirable, but unfair.
Maybe, just maybe, more women would be open to such an arrangement than most people think. Men want to have sex, a lot, and few things get in their way. Women succumb to fatigue, and menstruation, and pregnancy, and not being in the mood, and even age. Men are almost always willing, never menstruate, never get pregnant, are almost always willing (did I already say that?), and keep at it until well into middle age. (They can keep fathering children, for gods-sake!) As long as the relationship was honest and open, the extra spice openness can bring into a marriage is very appealing.
Obviously this would not work for everyone. Many people love being monogamous, and others can't get over jealousy, or have problems being completely communicative, or don't have time in their life for the extra stress and work openness requires. But if it was a more acceptable alternative to divorce and unhappiness, and if there was more of a community to help married people out...it seems like all this would work better.
But what do I know? ;P
Open marriages intrigue me. If I get married one day, the likelihood of it being monogamous is minimal. Either I'll marry my Sam, or I'll marry a man and hope to keep a relationship with Sam, and whoever else I am with at the time. (I am open to change, and I may end up monogamous; it depends on the situation. No need to worry about that just yet. I don't even have a love life now.)
Jenny Block's immediately clicked with me, because that's what I am, essentially, planning for myself. A boyfriend and a girlfriend. (Maybe more, but again, who knows?) I'm bisexual, and I am too intense for just one relationship, I think. Especially now, in my blossoming adult life.
Sexie Sadie's example, however, did not really appeal to me at first. I preferred the idea of polyamory--multiple romantic partners, V's and quads, and so forth. Though now I realize Sam and I are more Open than anything, my interest stands.
What baffles me, however, aside from the entire marriage deal, is people's reactions to nonmonogamy. People baffle me regularly on a plethora of subjects, why would this be any different? It doesn't help that polyamory is widely unknown, misunderstood, and fairly unusual. But in this brave new world--in America of all places, where we be inured to new ideas al-damn-ready--people still react with hate, intolerance, and cruelty.
Husbands in open relationships seem to catch more specific shit than open wives, who are labeled "sluts" or "whores" (like any sexually liberated female, sadly), but it is the men that have difficulty finding partners and not being treated like a misogynistic prick for their choices.
Even though, as far as I have seen (and I could, of course, be completely wrong), it is the wives who suggest opening up the marriage. I don't know of many examples, but between Sexie Sadie, Jenny Block, and Frederick, it was always the woman who brought the idea up. Whether because they were unable to be monogamous, unable to avoid cheating, or whatever else, it was the women who brought it up first.
This makes sense to me. Most guys seem unable to brave that little bit of communication. They might not want to try because they want their wives more than anything, or they'd rather just cheat than risk her trust and partnership, but men--the biologically hornier of the sexes--keep quiet on these ideas. And that's admirable, but unfair.
Maybe, just maybe, more women would be open to such an arrangement than most people think. Men want to have sex, a lot, and few things get in their way. Women succumb to fatigue, and menstruation, and pregnancy, and not being in the mood, and even age. Men are almost always willing, never menstruate, never get pregnant, are almost always willing (did I already say that?), and keep at it until well into middle age. (They can keep fathering children, for gods-sake!) As long as the relationship was honest and open, the extra spice openness can bring into a marriage is very appealing.
Obviously this would not work for everyone. Many people love being monogamous, and others can't get over jealousy, or have problems being completely communicative, or don't have time in their life for the extra stress and work openness requires. But if it was a more acceptable alternative to divorce and unhappiness, and if there was more of a community to help married people out...it seems like all this would work better.
But what do I know? ;P
Sunday, January 24, 2010
17 ~ Icky Poly
First, some denotations (AKA, the Greek definitions): and my personal connotations:
Polygamy: "the practice of multiple marriage"
Polygyny: "many" + "woman/wife"
Polyandry: "many" + "man"
Polyamory: "many" + "loves"
My personal connotations:
Polygamy: One person married to more than one other. This bothers me because it's one person with many others--not many with many. Plus, it brings to mind the thought of polygyny, where one man has many wives as virtual slaves. That is not always the case, of course, but it is the best known one, and it makes me cringe to hear the word.
Polygyny: This is what most people think of when they hear polygamy. A man with multiple wives who are essentially his slaves; it's common in other cultures and alternative religious sects. It bothers me for the misogynistic tone and for the lack of balance in sexual partners.
Polyandry: I have never heard of this outside of the realm of intellect, so I have nothing to say here. It appears to be much less common, and a lot less practical from a child-bearing, satisfaction-granting perspective. One pregnancy at a time and a lot of excess sperm. Most women can't even keep up with a single man, for gods' sake! Again, I am generalizing, but it's the usual case.
Polyamory: This is what I strive for. It is a term that often reminds others of polygamy, inspiring fear and trepidation in their hearts. I don't blame them. Polygamy is too easily, and too often, abused.
I am interested in a multiple marriage--not that it can be legal in this country; not even a same sex marriage is, not really, goddammit--for the social and comfort aspects. Lots of people you love to help with bills, and sexual needs, and raising your children, to hang out with, to love, to comfort...it would be awesome.
Maybe in the future it will be possible--or maybe we'll just keep it out of the eyes of legality :)
This post was inspired by a blog of Sexie Sadie's.
Polygamy: "the practice of multiple marriage"
Polygyny: "many" + "woman/wife"
Polyandry: "many" + "man"
Polyamory: "many" + "loves"
My personal connotations:
Polygamy: One person married to more than one other. This bothers me because it's one person with many others--not many with many. Plus, it brings to mind the thought of polygyny, where one man has many wives as virtual slaves. That is not always the case, of course, but it is the best known one, and it makes me cringe to hear the word.
Polygyny: This is what most people think of when they hear polygamy. A man with multiple wives who are essentially his slaves; it's common in other cultures and alternative religious sects. It bothers me for the misogynistic tone and for the lack of balance in sexual partners.
Polyandry: I have never heard of this outside of the realm of intellect, so I have nothing to say here. It appears to be much less common, and a lot less practical from a child-bearing, satisfaction-granting perspective. One pregnancy at a time and a lot of excess sperm. Most women can't even keep up with a single man, for gods' sake! Again, I am generalizing, but it's the usual case.
Polyamory: This is what I strive for. It is a term that often reminds others of polygamy, inspiring fear and trepidation in their hearts. I don't blame them. Polygamy is too easily, and too often, abused.
I am interested in a multiple marriage--not that it can be legal in this country; not even a same sex marriage is, not really, goddammit--for the social and comfort aspects. Lots of people you love to help with bills, and sexual needs, and raising your children, to hang out with, to love, to comfort...it would be awesome.
Maybe in the future it will be possible--or maybe we'll just keep it out of the eyes of legality :)
This post was inspired by a blog of Sexie Sadie's.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
16 ~ Wet Dreams
I think I orgasm in my sleep.
Not big orgasms, mind you, but little ones. I think this because my sex dreams--and almost all of the dreams that I remember have sex in them; as do, apparently, ones I don't remember being sexy (like last night's)--are really pleasurable. I have a vivid imagination, but...wow. I am never able to make myself feel that way while awake.
I woke up this morning with cum in my underwear. Not a lot, but the amount I expect from reading erotica; that quiet drenching, if you will. My first reaction was: What the fuck? I'd dreamt of zombie apocalypses, fear, excitement, and my dead dog--NOT of sex!
Apparently my unconscious is keeping some secrets ;)
I feel very fortunate for this (the sexy dreams and sleeping orgasms) because I am still not getting any action, and I never find masturbating to be fun. I prefer real sex...though a vibrator would be nice.
Ah, well; my birthday is drawing fucking nigh...
Not big orgasms, mind you, but little ones. I think this because my sex dreams--and almost all of the dreams that I remember have sex in them; as do, apparently, ones I don't remember being sexy (like last night's)--are really pleasurable. I have a vivid imagination, but...wow. I am never able to make myself feel that way while awake.
I woke up this morning with cum in my underwear. Not a lot, but the amount I expect from reading erotica; that quiet drenching, if you will. My first reaction was: What the fuck? I'd dreamt of zombie apocalypses, fear, excitement, and my dead dog--NOT of sex!
Apparently my unconscious is keeping some secrets ;)
I feel very fortunate for this (the sexy dreams and sleeping orgasms) because I am still not getting any action, and I never find masturbating to be fun. I prefer real sex...though a vibrator would be nice.
Ah, well; my birthday is drawing fucking nigh...
Thursday, January 21, 2010
15 ~ My Wife
Every time Sam and I talk lately, it's mostly about marriage.
As in, my dad loves her now, so he'll probably give us his blessing.
As in, I already discussed it with him.
As in, fucking hell yes.
It's odd, and awesome, and really? I would love to marry Sam. I always imagined myself getting married to a dude, but with poly, I wouldn't have to give up hetero-sex...y'know, when I start having it and all.
So...yeah. Hm...
As in, my dad loves her now, so he'll probably give us his blessing.
As in, I already discussed it with him.
As in, fucking hell yes.
It's odd, and awesome, and really? I would love to marry Sam. I always imagined myself getting married to a dude, but with poly, I wouldn't have to give up hetero-sex...y'know, when I start having it and all.
So...yeah. Hm...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
14 ~ My Love
Rose and I have been together for one year as of today.
We were friends before, from sixth grade to tenth, but it was not good times, and it was best that we ended it when we did. Then, two years, a lot of tears, pain, and anger later, we rocked hardcore, and started talking again.
And it's been uphill ever since.
Seriously. It just keeps getting better. Is love always like this? Because it's amazingly odd, and I can't think of anyone better suited to being with me for the rest of my life.
Just without the sex. That's what makes us work flawlessly :)
We were friends before, from sixth grade to tenth, but it was not good times, and it was best that we ended it when we did. Then, two years, a lot of tears, pain, and anger later, we rocked hardcore, and started talking again.
And it's been uphill ever since.
Seriously. It just keeps getting better. Is love always like this? Because it's amazingly odd, and I can't think of anyone better suited to being with me for the rest of my life.
Just without the sex. That's what makes us work flawlessly :)
Monday, January 18, 2010
13 ~ Bruised Egos
Yesterday I told Hank that I didn't want any sort of romantic or FWB relationship with him.
Really? You figured all that out after one date?
Yeah, I did.
Well then, I didn't think it would work out either.
Uh huh. That's why you were asking--pretty much demanding--I give you a second chance. Riiight.
Why don't you want to try?
Why don't you?
I'll answer if you do.
I'm not attracted to you.
That was easy. You're too young for me; you don't have the right mindset for romance.
So you were begging for a second change because...?
You know, I didn't come across as romantic because I decided immediately that the answer was no.
I think you should give me a second chance.
Yeah, after all this passive-aggressive bullshit. I'll get right on that.
I shared all this with Jonah, and he laughed, and basically said:
You badly bruised his ego. He's just trying to save face. But you're not a pussy factory, so fuck him. Though obviously not literally.
Too bad I'm still boyfriendless--and sexless :(
Really? You figured all that out after one date?
Yeah, I did.
Well then, I didn't think it would work out either.
Uh huh. That's why you were asking--pretty much demanding--I give you a second chance. Riiight.
Why don't you want to try?
Why don't you?
I'll answer if you do.
I'm not attracted to you.
That was easy. You're too young for me; you don't have the right mindset for romance.
So you were begging for a second change because...?
You know, I didn't come across as romantic because I decided immediately that the answer was no.
I think you should give me a second chance.
Yeah, after all this passive-aggressive bullshit. I'll get right on that.
I shared all this with Jonah, and he laughed, and basically said:
You badly bruised his ego. He's just trying to save face. But you're not a pussy factory, so fuck him. Though obviously not literally.
Too bad I'm still boyfriendless--and sexless :(
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