27 ~ Why Kaleb?

I have been asking myself this question recently.

Why in the motherfucking cocktease shit-for-brains HELL am I in love with Kaleb?

My language is so edified, eh?

This is a serious concern, however, and one I am stupefied that I haven't been thinking about it before. I'd always focused on why a relationship with him is impossible--the reasons are endless--but I never did any self-reflection on the matter.

Until now.

So, without further ado...

1) I don't know him well enough. We never really talk, especially now that we live so far apart. Even when he was in VA and I was in MD, he wasn't around much; he has his own life. Every moment I spent with him was a treasure I refused to admit. When he'd chat with my parents and I'd "inconspicuously" curl up on his lap...he was so warm, and he smelled so good...I never fell asleep though, afraid to lose even a single moment with him...and the driving lessons! Oh, I wish I had had more of those with him...

2) We don't have much in common. Not that I really know, because we never talk, but we're so different, and from such different lives...

3) He sees me as a little sister. I've known that he's supposed to be my big brother, but I haven't actually thought of him that way in a very long time. But he has. I've just been saying the words, but he means them. He threatens violence upon my future boyfriends. He wants to know the second that I hit the next big milestone--losing my virginity--so he can freak out at me. It's so fun to tease him, but at the same time, the thought seriously worries me. I want to be his little sister, because I want him to never let go...I want us to be special, even if not in THAT way...wow this has strayed from the point...

4) His type is older, taller, and skinnier than I am. I have seen his fiances and love affairs come and go. He was a horn dog in college while I was still in middle school, and some of his exes are as old as my PARENTS. They were all more sophisticated, more level with him, and more graceful in appearance.

5) He must never know that I love him this way. It would ruin everything.

6) I'm not good enough.

...Alright, now I'm just getting mopey...but really, who am I kidding? All my fantasies of him--which go in and out of style, but are always abundant and pervasive when I'm in the cycle (it happens every few weeks, of course)--are impossible, and nothing more than more pain for the eventual, hard, utter let-down.

Here's hoping that let-down leaves him in the dark, or else gods-know what shape I'll be in...I don't want to never talk to him again. I love him, no idea why, but I do...and I miss a man I have never, will never, can never have.