27.5 ~ Kaleb Addendum

Yesterday's post really got to me as I was writing it, so I wasn't thinking clearly enough to finish the list.

7) Our lives are rooted in completely different places, and headed in completely different directions. I'm in Texas. He's in West Virginia. He has a life based completely on things not-me. I want to travel. He has obligations, family...everything. It's not perfect, but it's not me.

8) We are five years apart. This wouldn't be such a big deal, except he feels like it is, especially since he only goes for older women. I'm his "baby sister," emphasis on the baby, and he'd never let that change.

8.5) He's known me since I was 6, and even if he tried, I doubt he could banish thoughts of me as a child from his mind. Every mention of me growing up makes him revert to brotherly fear and rage, and sex just wouldn't work like that.

9) I will never confess my feelings for him, to him. I can barely stand the thought of telling my parents about my religion or my romantic life and polyamorous plans! They still don't know that, or this, and I'm not anywhere near ready to change that.

10) I'm afraid of what it would do to the us we have now. Would he never be able to look at me again if I told him? If we could actually try, and it failed, what then? I would rather be melancholy for the rest of my life, have sex dreams with him, replaced my partner with thoughts of him, than risk it.

11) I'm afraid he wouldn't like me as a girlfriend. I'm not always mature, and he pisses me off, and I like pissing him off, and I don't know what interests we share, if any, and, and, and...

But, but, but...

And yesterday's 6 was utter bullshit, so revised...

6) I'm not a decent match for him. Perfect doesn't exist, but I doubt we'd mesh well. I can barely tolerate him most of the time, even though I love him. So why do I love him? I don't know. On one hand, I am head-over-heels attracted to his Alpha nature. On the other, it clashes with my own Alpha nature. And, honestly, his sarcasm and wit borders on cruel, or at least it feels that way to me. Most of what he says to me jokingly hurts. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I love him and I wish he would see me that way, too, but it hurts to talk to him, to think about him. Every time I feel like I'm over it, it comes back tenfold.

Why am I in love with Kaleb? Beats me...in every way possible.

Can I be over him now? Please?

If only...

TOMORROW WILL BE OFF THE SELF-PITY WAGON...IF IT HAPPENS AT ALL...I SWEAR!!!