I seem to be unique amongst my female peers in that I know that I do not know what I want.
Seriously.
I think I came to this realization during my first real relationship. I loved Quinn, and I still do (though no longer more than I should), but OH MY GOD, SHE PISSED THE HELL OUT OF ME. She was everything that I'm attracted to--sarcastic, confident, Alpha, very masculine (though she's female), and sexy as hell.
Which meant she was also hurtful, arrogant, pushy, aloof, and cocky.
Kaleb is the same way. They both don't know when to quit teasing me, or how to back off, or when to shut up, or when to speak up, or how to admit when they're wrong.
It is not all their fault, not by a long shot. I tell them to stop, but where's the line between giggling girl and angry female? I want to stop talking, but when do I really need to take a step back? I ask them to open up, but what's the difference between heart-to-heart and casual conversation? I point out when they're in the wrong, but when am I right?
I. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. CLUE.
So why should they?
What I want is an Alpha male, which so easily turns into the jerk boyfriend. What I think I need is William (my dream guy; I wrote about him in an earlier post), but he's so improbably I might as well marry a mannequin. What do I actually need? I can't honestly say that I know.
My type is NOT what I think it is, say it is, or want it to be. This is true of most women. We have no fucking clue, but we expect YOU to be that ideal. Which is bullshit.
Nice guys are unappealing. Bad boys only seem like a good idea at the time. Alphas are difficult to handle. Pussies are superfluous--I already have one, thanks.
Sam is an amazing girl, and she's a mixture of what I am attracted to and what I want to be my type, but we haven't had the chance to really have a relationship. Our first two years was marred by our personal demons; our last year together was tumultuous and exciting and invigorating and maddening. We have changed so much, I have no idea what's in store for us or what we would have together.
The moral of this story is: I don't have a goddamn clue. About ANYTHING. And I'm woman enough to admit it.
And I'm no closer to answers or solutions than I was when I thought I knew something :/
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You should read up about the PUA culture. It will make you very angry, and you may even insist that their techniques won't work on you. They will, when skillfully applied. You should study them because that will make you extremely aware and concious of the nature and irrationality of "what you want is not what you want" that all humans have.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the game.
I have before, and you're right, it does make me angry, and I do insist they wouldn't work on me...but I know that is wishful thinking when applied correctly. Gah.
ReplyDelete