18 ~ Open Marriages

I discovered polyamory online, and solidified my understanding through Sexie Sadie's blog, through which I also discovered Jenny Block. (I still need to read her novel, Open.)

Open marriages intrigue me. If I get married one day, the likelihood of it being monogamous is minimal. Either I'll marry my Sam, or I'll marry a man and hope to keep a relationship with Sam, and whoever else I am with at the time. (I am open to change, and I may end up monogamous; it depends on the situation. No need to worry about that just yet. I don't even have a love life now.)

Jenny Block's immediately clicked with me, because that's what I am, essentially, planning for myself. A boyfriend and a girlfriend. (Maybe more, but again, who knows?) I'm bisexual, and I am too intense for just one relationship, I think. Especially now, in my blossoming adult life.

Sexie Sadie's example, however, did not really appeal to me at first. I preferred the idea of polyamory--multiple romantic partners, V's and quads, and so forth. Though now I realize Sam and I are more Open than anything, my interest stands.

What baffles me, however, aside from the entire marriage deal, is people's reactions to nonmonogamy. People baffle me regularly on a plethora of subjects, why would this be any different? It doesn't help that polyamory is widely unknown, misunderstood, and fairly unusual. But in this brave new world--in America of all places, where we be inured to new ideas al-damn-ready--people still react with hate, intolerance, and cruelty.

Husbands in open relationships seem to catch more specific shit than open wives, who are labeled "sluts" or "whores" (like any sexually liberated female, sadly), but it is the men that have difficulty finding partners and not being treated like a misogynistic prick for their choices.

Even though, as far as I have seen (and I could, of course, be completely wrong), it is the wives who suggest opening up the marriage. I don't know of many examples, but between Sexie Sadie, Jenny Block, and Frederick, it was always the woman who brought the idea up. Whether because they were unable to be monogamous, unable to avoid cheating, or whatever else, it was the women who brought it up first.

This makes sense to me. Most guys seem unable to brave that little bit of communication. They might not want to try because they want their wives more than anything, or they'd rather just cheat than risk her trust and partnership, but men--the biologically hornier of the sexes--keep quiet on these ideas. And that's admirable, but unfair.

Maybe, just maybe, more women would be open to such an arrangement than most people think. Men want to have sex, a lot, and few things get in their way. Women succumb to fatigue, and menstruation, and pregnancy, and not being in the mood, and even age. Men are almost always willing, never menstruate, never get pregnant, are almost always willing (did I already say that?), and keep at it until well into middle age. (They can keep fathering children, for gods-sake!) As long as the relationship was honest and open, the extra spice openness can bring into a marriage is very appealing.

Obviously this would not work for everyone. Many people love being monogamous, and others can't get over jealousy, or have problems being completely communicative, or don't have time in their life for the extra stress and work openness requires. But if it was a more acceptable alternative to divorce and unhappiness, and if there was more of a community to help married people out...it seems like all this would work better.

But what do I know? ;P