Teehee, it's so much fun to say I'm "boyfriends searching." It tickles me pink still, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
I messaged a whole bunch of OkCupidians a couple of days ago after searching for "polyamory" in my area. I have no idea why I didn't do this earlier, but better late than later! So far I have gotten two responses, and they are very intelligent and intriguing responses. I kinda sound like a dumbass, but oh well. I also often sound like I'm high--which I'm not--so hopefully it's not held against me too harshly.
I think that those who identify as polyamorous are more intelligent than the average dating site persona. Most people on dating sites are scammers, too ugly or socially awkward to date easily elsewhere, and downright idiotic in their responses. I have come across plenty of all three.
Most of the time when I look for people on OkC, I ask myself, Oh gods, what's wrong with this one? Because who the hell uses dating sites? The real catches can get dates in the active world--unless there are other circumstances: time-consuming job, divorced and with children, socially awkward...
Or polyamorous.
It's quite difficult to find other people who practice polyamory, especially in very Christian areas, especially far away from big cities where poly conventions and the like might be held.
What's wrong with me? I suck at talking to people in person, I am not inviting at first glance, and I love my alone time. Today, a boy from my English class actually talked to me, and I was not verbose or warm or engaging. I really suck at being calm and open when alone and in a foreign setting. My truest personality doesn't come out when I'm tired and away from my friends and all around feeling blah.
Hopefully the online searches are fruitful; hopefully I run into a cute and cool guy at school; hopefully, hopefully, hopefully. I suck at this whole dating thing, I have no experience, but I shan't give up! If nothing else, my libido won't let me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
20 ~ Getting Married
No, I am not getting married. Not even close, not anytime soon.
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
There are only two people I know currently whom I would marry--Sam, and Kaleb. Sam and I are separated by at least three and a half more years of college and distance (if we last that long; if we ever get a chance) and Kaleb...well, we'd have to start a relationship first, and that is doubtful to say the least.
When I was fifteen, I began dreaming about getting married--only because I really wanted to have kids, and I was neck-deep in my first love with Quinn, and I was young and naive.
Not to say I don't still want these things. If anything, I want them more than ever. But, I am a practical, pragmatic, realistic, logical human being, and marriage is a mess.
It's also a wonderful endeavor, but I can barely handle MYSELF right now, much less children. And that's what it all boils down to. I want to be a mother, I want to start when I am young, and I want to have multiple children and really contribute to the gene pool.
I am smart, and beautiful, and healthy. I know I would make a fantastic mama because I already play the role of mother in so many ways--I used to take care of my brother like a mother, I feel extremely maternal towards my parents, I am the shoulder to cry on, I carry the weight of several worlds, I am a conduit for sage advice. And I can handle it.
I am strong, and I am fierce, and I am overflowing with love.
Parenthood takes much more than this--duh--like financial stability (to do it well for the kids and for oneself's mental health), an equal partner, and so forth. Which is why I wait. I am getting my degree, I am going to make decent money and save it, I am going to be all around kickass as a full adult.
And when I am completely ready to have kids (not that I will ever be completely ready to raise kids, but I shall do my very best) I will not depend on marriage to do it right.
You heard me. I am not necessarily getting married first.
Marriage is huge. And it often ends in divorce. And it is a legal mess. Yes, love is awesome, but I have loved enough already to know that it is NOT enough. (No matter what Quinn says, to my great chagrin.)
I may never get married. I love solitude and practicality and Rose and logic and money too much, as they all relate to me, myself, and my future children.
Plus, I know myself pretty damn well, and while this is subject to change...my ideal husband is just about THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of my "type," AKA what I am most attracted to.
I want someone mild, someone sweet and caring and stable and understanding, who will give me my space, and work alongside me (not always up in my business), and who will understand how many other things come first. If nothing else, my kids, Rose, and practicality. (I call him William.)
The passionate, wild, Alpha male types--the ones that make me swoon, that remind me of my father and Kaleb in all their intense perfection--are not what I consider perfect marriage material for me because we'd probably burn out too quickly.
Maybe I am completely full of shit. It happens. A lot. And maybe someone will prove me wrong in the next few years. (Maybe KALEB will. Again with the dreaming!) But...I have plenty of time to make up my mind yet.
If I ever do, that is ;)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
19 ~ HOLY SHIT!!!
Polyweekly (on Twitter) just posted about this here blog.
I am ecstatic and tickled and excited, but my only intellectual response is "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! SOMEBODY NOTICED???"
I supposed I am doing this for something other than boredom ;)
Did I mention that I love polyweekly? No? WELL I DO!
And, um...yeah. Being 18 is so fun, because that just made my day into awesomeness :D
Though now I feel really boring as there is nothing much going on in my life in this direction. But who knows? Maybe I'll get interesting in lieu of this joy :)
Also, I just checked out my profile views (it's amazing how little I pay attention, haha), and apparently it's around 81. Coolness! Lack of comments nonwithstanding, that's pretty badass.
I am ecstatic and tickled and excited, but my only intellectual response is "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! SOMEBODY NOTICED???"
I supposed I am doing this for something other than boredom ;)
Did I mention that I love polyweekly? No? WELL I DO!
And, um...yeah. Being 18 is so fun, because that just made my day into awesomeness :D
Though now I feel really boring as there is nothing much going on in my life in this direction. But who knows? Maybe I'll get interesting in lieu of this joy :)
Also, I just checked out my profile views (it's amazing how little I pay attention, haha), and apparently it's around 81. Coolness! Lack of comments nonwithstanding, that's pretty badass.
Monday, January 25, 2010
18 ~ Open Marriages
I discovered polyamory online, and solidified my understanding through Sexie Sadie's blog, through which I also discovered Jenny Block. (I still need to read her novel, Open.)
Open marriages intrigue me. If I get married one day, the likelihood of it being monogamous is minimal. Either I'll marry my Sam, or I'll marry a man and hope to keep a relationship with Sam, and whoever else I am with at the time. (I am open to change, and I may end up monogamous; it depends on the situation. No need to worry about that just yet. I don't even have a love life now.)
Jenny Block's immediately clicked with me, because that's what I am, essentially, planning for myself. A boyfriend and a girlfriend. (Maybe more, but again, who knows?) I'm bisexual, and I am too intense for just one relationship, I think. Especially now, in my blossoming adult life.
Sexie Sadie's example, however, did not really appeal to me at first. I preferred the idea of polyamory--multiple romantic partners, V's and quads, and so forth. Though now I realize Sam and I are more Open than anything, my interest stands.
What baffles me, however, aside from the entire marriage deal, is people's reactions to nonmonogamy. People baffle me regularly on a plethora of subjects, why would this be any different? It doesn't help that polyamory is widely unknown, misunderstood, and fairly unusual. But in this brave new world--in America of all places, where we be inured to new ideas al-damn-ready--people still react with hate, intolerance, and cruelty.
Husbands in open relationships seem to catch more specific shit than open wives, who are labeled "sluts" or "whores" (like any sexually liberated female, sadly), but it is the men that have difficulty finding partners and not being treated like a misogynistic prick for their choices.
Even though, as far as I have seen (and I could, of course, be completely wrong), it is the wives who suggest opening up the marriage. I don't know of many examples, but between Sexie Sadie, Jenny Block, and Frederick, it was always the woman who brought the idea up. Whether because they were unable to be monogamous, unable to avoid cheating, or whatever else, it was the women who brought it up first.
This makes sense to me. Most guys seem unable to brave that little bit of communication. They might not want to try because they want their wives more than anything, or they'd rather just cheat than risk her trust and partnership, but men--the biologically hornier of the sexes--keep quiet on these ideas. And that's admirable, but unfair.
Maybe, just maybe, more women would be open to such an arrangement than most people think. Men want to have sex, a lot, and few things get in their way. Women succumb to fatigue, and menstruation, and pregnancy, and not being in the mood, and even age. Men are almost always willing, never menstruate, never get pregnant, are almost always willing (did I already say that?), and keep at it until well into middle age. (They can keep fathering children, for gods-sake!) As long as the relationship was honest and open, the extra spice openness can bring into a marriage is very appealing.
Obviously this would not work for everyone. Many people love being monogamous, and others can't get over jealousy, or have problems being completely communicative, or don't have time in their life for the extra stress and work openness requires. But if it was a more acceptable alternative to divorce and unhappiness, and if there was more of a community to help married people out...it seems like all this would work better.
But what do I know? ;P
Open marriages intrigue me. If I get married one day, the likelihood of it being monogamous is minimal. Either I'll marry my Sam, or I'll marry a man and hope to keep a relationship with Sam, and whoever else I am with at the time. (I am open to change, and I may end up monogamous; it depends on the situation. No need to worry about that just yet. I don't even have a love life now.)
Jenny Block's immediately clicked with me, because that's what I am, essentially, planning for myself. A boyfriend and a girlfriend. (Maybe more, but again, who knows?) I'm bisexual, and I am too intense for just one relationship, I think. Especially now, in my blossoming adult life.
Sexie Sadie's example, however, did not really appeal to me at first. I preferred the idea of polyamory--multiple romantic partners, V's and quads, and so forth. Though now I realize Sam and I are more Open than anything, my interest stands.
What baffles me, however, aside from the entire marriage deal, is people's reactions to nonmonogamy. People baffle me regularly on a plethora of subjects, why would this be any different? It doesn't help that polyamory is widely unknown, misunderstood, and fairly unusual. But in this brave new world--in America of all places, where we be inured to new ideas al-damn-ready--people still react with hate, intolerance, and cruelty.
Husbands in open relationships seem to catch more specific shit than open wives, who are labeled "sluts" or "whores" (like any sexually liberated female, sadly), but it is the men that have difficulty finding partners and not being treated like a misogynistic prick for their choices.
Even though, as far as I have seen (and I could, of course, be completely wrong), it is the wives who suggest opening up the marriage. I don't know of many examples, but between Sexie Sadie, Jenny Block, and Frederick, it was always the woman who brought the idea up. Whether because they were unable to be monogamous, unable to avoid cheating, or whatever else, it was the women who brought it up first.
This makes sense to me. Most guys seem unable to brave that little bit of communication. They might not want to try because they want their wives more than anything, or they'd rather just cheat than risk her trust and partnership, but men--the biologically hornier of the sexes--keep quiet on these ideas. And that's admirable, but unfair.
Maybe, just maybe, more women would be open to such an arrangement than most people think. Men want to have sex, a lot, and few things get in their way. Women succumb to fatigue, and menstruation, and pregnancy, and not being in the mood, and even age. Men are almost always willing, never menstruate, never get pregnant, are almost always willing (did I already say that?), and keep at it until well into middle age. (They can keep fathering children, for gods-sake!) As long as the relationship was honest and open, the extra spice openness can bring into a marriage is very appealing.
Obviously this would not work for everyone. Many people love being monogamous, and others can't get over jealousy, or have problems being completely communicative, or don't have time in their life for the extra stress and work openness requires. But if it was a more acceptable alternative to divorce and unhappiness, and if there was more of a community to help married people out...it seems like all this would work better.
But what do I know? ;P
Sunday, January 24, 2010
17 ~ Icky Poly
First, some denotations (AKA, the Greek definitions): and my personal connotations:
Polygamy: "the practice of multiple marriage"
Polygyny: "many" + "woman/wife"
Polyandry: "many" + "man"
Polyamory: "many" + "loves"
My personal connotations:
Polygamy: One person married to more than one other. This bothers me because it's one person with many others--not many with many. Plus, it brings to mind the thought of polygyny, where one man has many wives as virtual slaves. That is not always the case, of course, but it is the best known one, and it makes me cringe to hear the word.
Polygyny: This is what most people think of when they hear polygamy. A man with multiple wives who are essentially his slaves; it's common in other cultures and alternative religious sects. It bothers me for the misogynistic tone and for the lack of balance in sexual partners.
Polyandry: I have never heard of this outside of the realm of intellect, so I have nothing to say here. It appears to be much less common, and a lot less practical from a child-bearing, satisfaction-granting perspective. One pregnancy at a time and a lot of excess sperm. Most women can't even keep up with a single man, for gods' sake! Again, I am generalizing, but it's the usual case.
Polyamory: This is what I strive for. It is a term that often reminds others of polygamy, inspiring fear and trepidation in their hearts. I don't blame them. Polygamy is too easily, and too often, abused.
I am interested in a multiple marriage--not that it can be legal in this country; not even a same sex marriage is, not really, goddammit--for the social and comfort aspects. Lots of people you love to help with bills, and sexual needs, and raising your children, to hang out with, to love, to comfort...it would be awesome.
Maybe in the future it will be possible--or maybe we'll just keep it out of the eyes of legality :)
This post was inspired by a blog of Sexie Sadie's.
Polygamy: "the practice of multiple marriage"
Polygyny: "many" + "woman/wife"
Polyandry: "many" + "man"
Polyamory: "many" + "loves"
My personal connotations:
Polygamy: One person married to more than one other. This bothers me because it's one person with many others--not many with many. Plus, it brings to mind the thought of polygyny, where one man has many wives as virtual slaves. That is not always the case, of course, but it is the best known one, and it makes me cringe to hear the word.
Polygyny: This is what most people think of when they hear polygamy. A man with multiple wives who are essentially his slaves; it's common in other cultures and alternative religious sects. It bothers me for the misogynistic tone and for the lack of balance in sexual partners.
Polyandry: I have never heard of this outside of the realm of intellect, so I have nothing to say here. It appears to be much less common, and a lot less practical from a child-bearing, satisfaction-granting perspective. One pregnancy at a time and a lot of excess sperm. Most women can't even keep up with a single man, for gods' sake! Again, I am generalizing, but it's the usual case.
Polyamory: This is what I strive for. It is a term that often reminds others of polygamy, inspiring fear and trepidation in their hearts. I don't blame them. Polygamy is too easily, and too often, abused.
I am interested in a multiple marriage--not that it can be legal in this country; not even a same sex marriage is, not really, goddammit--for the social and comfort aspects. Lots of people you love to help with bills, and sexual needs, and raising your children, to hang out with, to love, to comfort...it would be awesome.
Maybe in the future it will be possible--or maybe we'll just keep it out of the eyes of legality :)
This post was inspired by a blog of Sexie Sadie's.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
16 ~ Wet Dreams
I think I orgasm in my sleep.
Not big orgasms, mind you, but little ones. I think this because my sex dreams--and almost all of the dreams that I remember have sex in them; as do, apparently, ones I don't remember being sexy (like last night's)--are really pleasurable. I have a vivid imagination, but...wow. I am never able to make myself feel that way while awake.
I woke up this morning with cum in my underwear. Not a lot, but the amount I expect from reading erotica; that quiet drenching, if you will. My first reaction was: What the fuck? I'd dreamt of zombie apocalypses, fear, excitement, and my dead dog--NOT of sex!
Apparently my unconscious is keeping some secrets ;)
I feel very fortunate for this (the sexy dreams and sleeping orgasms) because I am still not getting any action, and I never find masturbating to be fun. I prefer real sex...though a vibrator would be nice.
Ah, well; my birthday is drawing fucking nigh...
Not big orgasms, mind you, but little ones. I think this because my sex dreams--and almost all of the dreams that I remember have sex in them; as do, apparently, ones I don't remember being sexy (like last night's)--are really pleasurable. I have a vivid imagination, but...wow. I am never able to make myself feel that way while awake.
I woke up this morning with cum in my underwear. Not a lot, but the amount I expect from reading erotica; that quiet drenching, if you will. My first reaction was: What the fuck? I'd dreamt of zombie apocalypses, fear, excitement, and my dead dog--NOT of sex!
Apparently my unconscious is keeping some secrets ;)
I feel very fortunate for this (the sexy dreams and sleeping orgasms) because I am still not getting any action, and I never find masturbating to be fun. I prefer real sex...though a vibrator would be nice.
Ah, well; my birthday is drawing fucking nigh...
Thursday, January 21, 2010
15 ~ My Wife
Every time Sam and I talk lately, it's mostly about marriage.
As in, my dad loves her now, so he'll probably give us his blessing.
As in, I already discussed it with him.
As in, fucking hell yes.
It's odd, and awesome, and really? I would love to marry Sam. I always imagined myself getting married to a dude, but with poly, I wouldn't have to give up hetero-sex...y'know, when I start having it and all.
So...yeah. Hm...
As in, my dad loves her now, so he'll probably give us his blessing.
As in, I already discussed it with him.
As in, fucking hell yes.
It's odd, and awesome, and really? I would love to marry Sam. I always imagined myself getting married to a dude, but with poly, I wouldn't have to give up hetero-sex...y'know, when I start having it and all.
So...yeah. Hm...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
14 ~ My Love
Rose and I have been together for one year as of today.
We were friends before, from sixth grade to tenth, but it was not good times, and it was best that we ended it when we did. Then, two years, a lot of tears, pain, and anger later, we rocked hardcore, and started talking again.
And it's been uphill ever since.
Seriously. It just keeps getting better. Is love always like this? Because it's amazingly odd, and I can't think of anyone better suited to being with me for the rest of my life.
Just without the sex. That's what makes us work flawlessly :)
We were friends before, from sixth grade to tenth, but it was not good times, and it was best that we ended it when we did. Then, two years, a lot of tears, pain, and anger later, we rocked hardcore, and started talking again.
And it's been uphill ever since.
Seriously. It just keeps getting better. Is love always like this? Because it's amazingly odd, and I can't think of anyone better suited to being with me for the rest of my life.
Just without the sex. That's what makes us work flawlessly :)
Monday, January 18, 2010
13 ~ Bruised Egos
Yesterday I told Hank that I didn't want any sort of romantic or FWB relationship with him.
Really? You figured all that out after one date?
Yeah, I did.
Well then, I didn't think it would work out either.
Uh huh. That's why you were asking--pretty much demanding--I give you a second chance. Riiight.
Why don't you want to try?
Why don't you?
I'll answer if you do.
I'm not attracted to you.
That was easy. You're too young for me; you don't have the right mindset for romance.
So you were begging for a second change because...?
You know, I didn't come across as romantic because I decided immediately that the answer was no.
I think you should give me a second chance.
Yeah, after all this passive-aggressive bullshit. I'll get right on that.
I shared all this with Jonah, and he laughed, and basically said:
You badly bruised his ego. He's just trying to save face. But you're not a pussy factory, so fuck him. Though obviously not literally.
Too bad I'm still boyfriendless--and sexless :(
Really? You figured all that out after one date?
Yeah, I did.
Well then, I didn't think it would work out either.
Uh huh. That's why you were asking--pretty much demanding--I give you a second chance. Riiight.
Why don't you want to try?
Why don't you?
I'll answer if you do.
I'm not attracted to you.
That was easy. You're too young for me; you don't have the right mindset for romance.
So you were begging for a second change because...?
You know, I didn't come across as romantic because I decided immediately that the answer was no.
I think you should give me a second chance.
Yeah, after all this passive-aggressive bullshit. I'll get right on that.
I shared all this with Jonah, and he laughed, and basically said:
You badly bruised his ego. He's just trying to save face. But you're not a pussy factory, so fuck him. Though obviously not literally.
Too bad I'm still boyfriendless--and sexless :(
Sunday, January 17, 2010
12 ~ Mr. Right
We already know that I know nothing, but in my secondary fantasies--the ones in which I am forced to give up on Kaleb--I imagine my future husband, my perfect mate, like this...
He is the antithesis of what I'm attracted to emotionally. He is not an alpha male, but he is strong. He's not aggressive, but he's also not a pushover. He's subtle, and quiet, and sweet--the opposite of me. We fit together flawlessly. He listens when I babble, he is charmed by my flaws, he is able to calm me down and keep me sane. When I have the weight of dozens of worlds on my shoulders, he lets me cry on his, and he pets my hair and rubs my back and whispers sweet everythings in my ear. He can stand up to me, handle me, especially when I get a little crazy.
Physically he is, of course, my perfect male. Possibly Irish. Tall, and slender, but toned, with tousled hair and soulful eyes, possibly green. He has a soft and sexy voice and he never gets mad at me, just frustrated or annoyed. (Who doesn't?) He talks me down from my rages and gets distracted when I walk into a room. Essentially, he is my opposite--quite masculine, but with feminine softness. I am utterly comfortable with him, and I can tell him almost everything. (Everything everything is reserved for Rose, of course. It's how girl's work.) He understands this and goes to her for advice on me. He knows me inside and out ;) and I know him, too. He'll be the stay-at-home dad and I'll be supermom until I burn out...and he picks me back up again.
I love him insanely.
His latest name is William. Where are you, my William?
He is the antithesis of what I'm attracted to emotionally. He is not an alpha male, but he is strong. He's not aggressive, but he's also not a pushover. He's subtle, and quiet, and sweet--the opposite of me. We fit together flawlessly. He listens when I babble, he is charmed by my flaws, he is able to calm me down and keep me sane. When I have the weight of dozens of worlds on my shoulders, he lets me cry on his, and he pets my hair and rubs my back and whispers sweet everythings in my ear. He can stand up to me, handle me, especially when I get a little crazy.
Physically he is, of course, my perfect male. Possibly Irish. Tall, and slender, but toned, with tousled hair and soulful eyes, possibly green. He has a soft and sexy voice and he never gets mad at me, just frustrated or annoyed. (Who doesn't?) He talks me down from my rages and gets distracted when I walk into a room. Essentially, he is my opposite--quite masculine, but with feminine softness. I am utterly comfortable with him, and I can tell him almost everything. (Everything everything is reserved for Rose, of course. It's how girl's work.) He understands this and goes to her for advice on me. He knows me inside and out ;) and I know him, too. He'll be the stay-at-home dad and I'll be supermom until I burn out...and he picks me back up again.
I love him insanely.
His latest name is William. Where are you, my William?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
11 ~ Hanging Out
I hang out with Hank today.
I woke up at 6:30 and took the wrong bus once in town so I was late. Then we walked, a lot, and he bought me a pack of cigarettes, and we had yummy pizza, and then we played pool. He was in bad form today, and after two hours, I sucked less!
He's cute, and fun, and funny, and charming, and cool. But there wasn't that spark.
I guess I'm yet another girl who doesn't have a clue of what she wants.
Or, maybe I do, but it's Kaleb, and goddammit that ruins it for the rest of us--especially my poor, neglected vagina.
Sigh.
I woke up at 6:30 and took the wrong bus once in town so I was late. Then we walked, a lot, and he bought me a pack of cigarettes, and we had yummy pizza, and then we played pool. He was in bad form today, and after two hours, I sucked less!
He's cute, and fun, and funny, and charming, and cool. But there wasn't that spark.
I guess I'm yet another girl who doesn't have a clue of what she wants.
Or, maybe I do, but it's Kaleb, and goddammit that ruins it for the rest of us--especially my poor, neglected vagina.
Sigh.
Friday, January 15, 2010
10 ~ I Apologize...
...TO NO ONE!
At least, not as far as my choices in life, love, religion, and relationships go.
To suggest that anyone has the right or the power to make me feel small or dirty or evil for the way I live my life is beyond wrong, it is DESPICABLE.
I do not give a shit what strangers think of me. I care about what my parents think of me (to a certain extent), what my family thinks of me (to a certain extent), to what my brother thinks of me (absolutely), what my Rose thinks of me (times a million)...so I really don't have time to care about THE WORLD.
Fact is, there are SIX BILLION people on this earth, and if given the opportunity, they would ALL have their own thoughts on how I live my life. Good people would have negative things to say, bad people would have positive, and vice versa. Yes, it would be grand if my idols and people who inspire me and people who are awesome all thought Damn that Agri is one awesome chick, but most of them will ever even know I EXIST, much less how I function, much less agree with who and what I am.
And that's okay.
If the Dalai Lama and Melissa Marr and Sexie Sadie never know me, never think of me, never have opinions on me, that's okay. And if THAT is okay, so is the throngs of close-minded or just different minded people out there who WILL come into contact with me.
I really don't have the time to worry about it.
Note: Post inspired by rereading Sexie Sadie yet again. It's a passionate subject with me, as I have struggled with caring about public opinion in my past, and gods-know I am not necessarily over it 1,000%, but my feelings remain the same.
At least, not as far as my choices in life, love, religion, and relationships go.
To suggest that anyone has the right or the power to make me feel small or dirty or evil for the way I live my life is beyond wrong, it is DESPICABLE.
I do not give a shit what strangers think of me. I care about what my parents think of me (to a certain extent), what my family thinks of me (to a certain extent), to what my brother thinks of me (absolutely), what my Rose thinks of me (times a million)...so I really don't have time to care about THE WORLD.
Fact is, there are SIX BILLION people on this earth, and if given the opportunity, they would ALL have their own thoughts on how I live my life. Good people would have negative things to say, bad people would have positive, and vice versa. Yes, it would be grand if my idols and people who inspire me and people who are awesome all thought Damn that Agri is one awesome chick, but most of them will ever even know I EXIST, much less how I function, much less agree with who and what I am.
And that's okay.
If the Dalai Lama and Melissa Marr and Sexie Sadie never know me, never think of me, never have opinions on me, that's okay. And if THAT is okay, so is the throngs of close-minded or just different minded people out there who WILL come into contact with me.
I really don't have the time to worry about it.
Note: Post inspired by rereading Sexie Sadie yet again. It's a passionate subject with me, as I have struggled with caring about public opinion in my past, and gods-know I am not necessarily over it 1,000%, but my feelings remain the same.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
9 ~ Shitstorm Imminent
I am going to fuck this up.
Polyamory, romance, love, life, everything, in general.
Maybe a lot, maybe a little, maybe both.
It's how everything works.
There are learning curves and there is trial-and-error and there is dumb, blind luck. So many factors, so many variables that are so important and so impossible to predict.
Even if I was perfect, which I am SO not, there would be fuck-ups. It's the way things work. I am not being pessimistic or fatalistic, as much as it sounds that way.
I am an optimist wrapped in realism, I am a realist wrapped in pessimism, I am a pessimist wrapped in optimism.
I hope for--and work for--the best, but life happens. I know that life is crazy and wild and unpredictable and balance, and bad things will come of it. I have been through, continue to, and will always have shit to deal with--but life is worth it, life is also REALLY FUCKING AWESOME.
I know there will be good, I know there will be bad...I know all of that is just perspective, I know everything will eventually pass, and change.
I'm okay with that. I relish it. I thrive in it. I am HAPPY for it.
All I hope is to do my best, continue to grow closer to Rose, and LEARN. Always, always, ALWAYS learn from my mistakes, my successes, the mistakes and successes of others.
That's LIFE, and whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, it will always be, just...life.
Just making sure it's obvious NOW, so that I don't seem to be ONLY retrospective, and because--when the time comes--I'm sure I'll appreciate the reminder...from myself...preemptively.
Polyamory, romance, love, life, everything, in general.
Maybe a lot, maybe a little, maybe both.
It's how everything works.
There are learning curves and there is trial-and-error and there is dumb, blind luck. So many factors, so many variables that are so important and so impossible to predict.
Even if I was perfect, which I am SO not, there would be fuck-ups. It's the way things work. I am not being pessimistic or fatalistic, as much as it sounds that way.
I am an optimist wrapped in realism, I am a realist wrapped in pessimism, I am a pessimist wrapped in optimism.
I hope for--and work for--the best, but life happens. I know that life is crazy and wild and unpredictable and balance, and bad things will come of it. I have been through, continue to, and will always have shit to deal with--but life is worth it, life is also REALLY FUCKING AWESOME.
I know there will be good, I know there will be bad...I know all of that is just perspective, I know everything will eventually pass, and change.
I'm okay with that. I relish it. I thrive in it. I am HAPPY for it.
All I hope is to do my best, continue to grow closer to Rose, and LEARN. Always, always, ALWAYS learn from my mistakes, my successes, the mistakes and successes of others.
That's LIFE, and whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, it will always be, just...life.
Just making sure it's obvious NOW, so that I don't seem to be ONLY retrospective, and because--when the time comes--I'm sure I'll appreciate the reminder...from myself...preemptively.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
8 ~ Sexie Sadie
I started this blog, pseudonym and all, because of a very fabulous lady, my favorite sex-blogger, my favorite BLOGGER, the only one I follow religiously--Ms. Sexie Sadie.
http://confessionsfrommyopenmarriage.blogspot.com is ABSOLUTELY A-FUCKING-MAZING!!!
On my search for all things poly, I came across her blog somehow. I don't remember the specifics, and I don't much care, because I am forever grateful.
It's not just nonmonogamy that she talks about and that I learned about (and am still learning about) from reading her blog. It is life and love and her and emotional health and dealing with addiction and, most importantly, MARRIAGE.
I will be the first person to admit that I don't know everything. Not even CLOSE. It's the source of my "enlightenment."
Aggy, why are you so awesome and mature and wise and composed? some people ask. (Or, at least, they SHOULD, because I AM, and because Rose gets asked that, and we are so very similar.)
Because I know I don't know shit, and I'm totally cool with that.
Also because my main motto is "No regrets!" and I am always learning.
I love learning.
Through Ms Sadie's blog, I learn about her, and through her I learn about myriad things. The most prevalent one is marriage.
I grew up with real-life happily-ever-afters. Strong, lasting, growing, beautiful marriages between amazing people. It's why I know true love exists and marriage can work. Sadie reinforces this.
And through her I see the complexities and intricacies and details of such a marriage (though, of course, not all of them, and, of course, not a traditional one--not that "tradition" factors into my life, um, AT ALL). And the knowledge has absolutely FLOORED me.
It's all well and good to know the theory of marriage. Hard work, communication, real-life shit to wade through, personal flaws and the flaws of the other, child-rearing, and so forth. But I have always been the child, or the child's friend, or the family friend, or a relative, or a distant observer. Reading Sadie's blog, I see a slice of her perspective, and it is completely different.
It's hard to explain, and I've been rambling long enough anyway, so the long and the short of it is...Sexie Sadie is amazing, her blog is wonderful, her writing is wonderful, through it I have found so much information and so much that is and will be relevant to my own life, and I am still a huge fan eagerly awaiting the next installment.
Also, the sex stuff? Is amazing :)
http://confessionsfrommyopenmarriage.blogspot.com is ABSOLUTELY A-FUCKING-MAZING!!!
On my search for all things poly, I came across her blog somehow. I don't remember the specifics, and I don't much care, because I am forever grateful.
It's not just nonmonogamy that she talks about and that I learned about (and am still learning about) from reading her blog. It is life and love and her and emotional health and dealing with addiction and, most importantly, MARRIAGE.
I will be the first person to admit that I don't know everything. Not even CLOSE. It's the source of my "enlightenment."
Aggy, why are you so awesome and mature and wise and composed? some people ask. (Or, at least, they SHOULD, because I AM, and because Rose gets asked that, and we are so very similar.)
Because I know I don't know shit, and I'm totally cool with that.
Also because my main motto is "No regrets!" and I am always learning.
I love learning.
Through Ms Sadie's blog, I learn about her, and through her I learn about myriad things. The most prevalent one is marriage.
I grew up with real-life happily-ever-afters. Strong, lasting, growing, beautiful marriages between amazing people. It's why I know true love exists and marriage can work. Sadie reinforces this.
And through her I see the complexities and intricacies and details of such a marriage (though, of course, not all of them, and, of course, not a traditional one--not that "tradition" factors into my life, um, AT ALL). And the knowledge has absolutely FLOORED me.
It's all well and good to know the theory of marriage. Hard work, communication, real-life shit to wade through, personal flaws and the flaws of the other, child-rearing, and so forth. But I have always been the child, or the child's friend, or the family friend, or a relative, or a distant observer. Reading Sadie's blog, I see a slice of her perspective, and it is completely different.
It's hard to explain, and I've been rambling long enough anyway, so the long and the short of it is...Sexie Sadie is amazing, her blog is wonderful, her writing is wonderful, through it I have found so much information and so much that is and will be relevant to my own life, and I am still a huge fan eagerly awaiting the next installment.
Also, the sex stuff? Is amazing :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
7 ~ True Love
True love is what a mother feels for a child.
True love is what a couple of seventy years feels for each other.
True love is what I feel for Rose.
I truly love my parents. I truly love my brothers. I truly love my friends, my Sam, my self...but TRUE LOVE is something altogether different.
True love is sharing white chocolate, which is like WHOA. True love is the willingness to share sushi (which Rose doesn't like anyway). True love is being okay with your best friend having a crush on your boyfriend, because really, I tell you everything, and it is amazing, so OF COURSE you are crushing ;)
True love is selfless. True love is constant. True love is deep and pure and everlasting. True love is giving all the pieces of ourselves over for scrutiny, even the parts we have yet to reconcile with. True love is being able to share anything and everything--and constantly--and knowing it will never come back to bite you in the ass, in any way, EVER.
I know that I have the capacity for many loves. (DUH, POLY-AMORY!) However...I do not have the time. I love my self so much, and my solitude, and so many others, that in order to balance them all (which I still suck at) I simply cannot deal with too many people.
FWBs are one thing. Even boyfriends are completely separate. Love, in all its myriad, wonderful, common-yet-extraordinary forms has nothing to do with TRUE LOVE.
I have a true love in Roselyn. Superior to any boyfriend. We are connected in all ways--mental, emotional, metaphysical--in spite of the distance. In fact, that 1500 mile separation has had no effect on us whatsoever. We grow closer DAILY.
I am completely happy with having Rose, and boyfriends, and FWBs, and friends, and family all separate. One day I will also have children, and, and, and...it's endless.
But Rose is constant. And she is ALL I need in this department.
As for my other true love...well, my dog can have her post later :)
True love is what a couple of seventy years feels for each other.
True love is what I feel for Rose.
I truly love my parents. I truly love my brothers. I truly love my friends, my Sam, my self...but TRUE LOVE is something altogether different.
True love is sharing white chocolate, which is like WHOA. True love is the willingness to share sushi (which Rose doesn't like anyway). True love is being okay with your best friend having a crush on your boyfriend, because really, I tell you everything, and it is amazing, so OF COURSE you are crushing ;)
True love is selfless. True love is constant. True love is deep and pure and everlasting. True love is giving all the pieces of ourselves over for scrutiny, even the parts we have yet to reconcile with. True love is being able to share anything and everything--and constantly--and knowing it will never come back to bite you in the ass, in any way, EVER.
I know that I have the capacity for many loves. (DUH, POLY-AMORY!) However...I do not have the time. I love my self so much, and my solitude, and so many others, that in order to balance them all (which I still suck at) I simply cannot deal with too many people.
FWBs are one thing. Even boyfriends are completely separate. Love, in all its myriad, wonderful, common-yet-extraordinary forms has nothing to do with TRUE LOVE.
I have a true love in Roselyn. Superior to any boyfriend. We are connected in all ways--mental, emotional, metaphysical--in spite of the distance. In fact, that 1500 mile separation has had no effect on us whatsoever. We grow closer DAILY.
I am completely happy with having Rose, and boyfriends, and FWBs, and friends, and family all separate. One day I will also have children, and, and, and...it's endless.
But Rose is constant. And she is ALL I need in this department.
As for my other true love...well, my dog can have her post later :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
6 ~ Praise OkC
My account is already fruitful.
If nothing else, yay eye candy!
Seriously, though, I have already met three awesome peeps: Jonah, an awesome friend who I met in person today; Hank, a major potential romance who I have a date with on Friday; and Frederick, a possible part-time boyfriend.
Plus, only one asshole has assaulted me so far! And it was barely assault. The conversation boiled down to:
It's not fair.
Huh?
You get two relationships, your boyfriend doesn't.
Don't presume to know what polyamory means to me. It doesn't necessarily work just one way.
So he gets to watch? Or have a threesome? It's only fair.
...
Hey, gotta go, talk to ya later!
Yeah, no.
A few "hey beautiful," I have a name you know, "how u," this isn't a conversation, "blah blah blah," silence moments--but hey, cute girls attract weirdos. (And not always the good kind.)
At least online they can be ignored, restraining orders optional! I seriously need a goddamn bodyguard to walk to and from the bus, and even fucking then...
If nothing else, yay eye candy!
Seriously, though, I have already met three awesome peeps: Jonah, an awesome friend who I met in person today; Hank, a major potential romance who I have a date with on Friday; and Frederick, a possible part-time boyfriend.
Plus, only one asshole has assaulted me so far! And it was barely assault. The conversation boiled down to:
It's not fair.
Huh?
You get two relationships, your boyfriend doesn't.
Don't presume to know what polyamory means to me. It doesn't necessarily work just one way.
So he gets to watch? Or have a threesome? It's only fair.
...
Hey, gotta go, talk to ya later!
Yeah, no.
A few "hey beautiful," I have a name you know, "how u," this isn't a conversation, "blah blah blah," silence moments--but hey, cute girls attract weirdos. (And not always the good kind.)
At least online they can be ignored, restraining orders optional! I seriously need a goddamn bodyguard to walk to and from the bus, and even fucking then...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
5 ~ Knowing Compersion
I know I'm skipping around quite a bit, but I first felt that polyamory was right for me--plausible, possible, probable--when I discovered that I feel compersion.
Compersion is a polyamory term that corresponds to the feeling of pleasure or joy because a partner is experiencing it, though their source is one outside yourself.
Sam has a boyfriend, and not only do I feel absolutely no jealousy, I feel downright happy to know she has someone to spend time with and have fun with while I am unavailable.
Plus, he knows about us and is perfectly amenable.
Not only did I experience compersion, I experienced it even after Cat was the one to tell me first that Sam had a boyfriend. (I finally, after several weeks, know his damn name--Edward. And he's super cute, of course; we would accept nothing less.) I was totally unphased. Essentially, my response was, "I love her, I trust her, and we agreed to date outside one another. Her not telling me doesn't mean anything. It's her life, and I'm happy for her."
This new direction I am taking feels juuust right.
Compersion is a polyamory term that corresponds to the feeling of pleasure or joy because a partner is experiencing it, though their source is one outside yourself.
Sam has a boyfriend, and not only do I feel absolutely no jealousy, I feel downright happy to know she has someone to spend time with and have fun with while I am unavailable.
Plus, he knows about us and is perfectly amenable.
Not only did I experience compersion, I experienced it even after Cat was the one to tell me first that Sam had a boyfriend. (I finally, after several weeks, know his damn name--Edward. And he's super cute, of course; we would accept nothing less.) I was totally unphased. Essentially, my response was, "I love her, I trust her, and we agreed to date outside one another. Her not telling me doesn't mean anything. It's her life, and I'm happy for her."
This new direction I am taking feels juuust right.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
4 ~ My "Plans"
Sam and I are Open, and I am looking for polyamorous relationships as well as FWBs (friends-with-benefits).
Why?
Sam and I are roughly 1500 miles away from one another, and at the earliest (AKA, if I don't, I will scream) I am visiting her this upcoming summer. As well as my best friend, Rose, my non-biological and unrequited love, Kaleb, my good-yet-infuriating pal, Cat, and many others--including, hopefully, a tattoo shop.
Which means that I just can't wait for her.
Polyamory's taglines include "love is infinite" and "we can't be everything to the ones we love." These both apply to Sam and me. I love her, but she doesn't have all my love, and I want her in my life, but the distance is a big barrier. It's hard enough to find a good relationship without suffering for one you want to keep, not kill.
We are on the same page, and it is wonderful. I am moving into this whole thing slower than she is, because I left my entire social life (which took six fucking years to build) back home. A lot of it has fragmented, as everyone's gone off to college, and that's just one more reason why I am now here instead of there.
I'm on OkC, I'm taking things slow, and I have high hopes for the future.
Why?
Sam and I are roughly 1500 miles away from one another, and at the earliest (AKA, if I don't, I will scream) I am visiting her this upcoming summer. As well as my best friend, Rose, my non-biological and unrequited love, Kaleb, my good-yet-infuriating pal, Cat, and many others--including, hopefully, a tattoo shop.
Which means that I just can't wait for her.
Polyamory's taglines include "love is infinite" and "we can't be everything to the ones we love." These both apply to Sam and me. I love her, but she doesn't have all my love, and I want her in my life, but the distance is a big barrier. It's hard enough to find a good relationship without suffering for one you want to keep, not kill.
We are on the same page, and it is wonderful. I am moving into this whole thing slower than she is, because I left my entire social life (which took six fucking years to build) back home. A lot of it has fragmented, as everyone's gone off to college, and that's just one more reason why I am now here instead of there.
I'm on OkC, I'm taking things slow, and I have high hopes for the future.
Friday, January 8, 2010
3 ~ Sexual History
Many would consider me "not really poly," and I don't disagree with them...for now.
In fact, I'm "not really anything" right now, because I am still a virgin. Eighteen years old and still a virgin. The thought plagues me daily.
There's no good reason for it. I was raised with amazing, understanding parents who taught me to think for myself and love who I am as a person. It took me a while to get there, but I'm here, and still no sex.
Sometimes it feels like a divine conspiracy. I am pretty, I have D-cups and a Puerto Rican ass, and I'm a totally awesome person. I have fooled around with several girls, most especially my ex Quinn, and with one guy, Kevin (K) my ex semi-boyfriend. But still no sex.
Part of that is because I have a high opinion of myself and standards to match, even when I was at my most depressed and self-hateful. (I am very proud of myself for avoiding dumbass decisions!) Even when I was getting shit-faced and making out with girls in closets and rubbing up on guys I'd never met. For which I am ever grateful, no thanks to Catherine (Cat), my ex-best still-friend. But I digress.
Whatever the reason, I am NOT going to endure my virginity for my longer. I am on OkCupid, I am chatting people up, I have plans for next week, I am going to college, and I am an adult. I may live with my parents, but I am their ward no longer.
The result? Sam and I are Open.
In fact, I'm "not really anything" right now, because I am still a virgin. Eighteen years old and still a virgin. The thought plagues me daily.
There's no good reason for it. I was raised with amazing, understanding parents who taught me to think for myself and love who I am as a person. It took me a while to get there, but I'm here, and still no sex.
Sometimes it feels like a divine conspiracy. I am pretty, I have D-cups and a Puerto Rican ass, and I'm a totally awesome person. I have fooled around with several girls, most especially my ex Quinn, and with one guy, Kevin (K) my ex semi-boyfriend. But still no sex.
Part of that is because I have a high opinion of myself and standards to match, even when I was at my most depressed and self-hateful. (I am very proud of myself for avoiding dumbass decisions!) Even when I was getting shit-faced and making out with girls in closets and rubbing up on guys I'd never met. For which I am ever grateful, no thanks to Catherine (Cat), my ex-best still-friend. But I digress.
Whatever the reason, I am NOT going to endure my virginity for my longer. I am on OkCupid, I am chatting people up, I have plans for next week, I am going to college, and I am an adult. I may live with my parents, but I am their ward no longer.
The result? Sam and I are Open.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
2 ~ Oh Hank
I met Hank on OkC, and we started talking today. Five hours online, and now five hours on the phone. He is sweet and smart and funny and serious about relationships and we click really well.
Oh, and did I mention Hank is a black guy? I thought I knew what a big dick was. I mean, K was hung, like eight inches and wide enough to strain my jaw.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
My white friends are full of shit. "Hung like a black guy"--they don't know what this phrase means. When Hank told me how big he is, I went "OMG AHHH OWWW MY WOMB HURTS" for a full five minutes.
Sure, he might be exaggerating. (Though why? This isn't exactly "bragging," this is a fucking warning label.) But I don't think so.
When flaccid, eight inches by two and a half.
Yeah...
Plus, we get along super duper well already, instant connection, nonstop talking, attraction, the works.
I go back to school next Monday. I have Wednesday morning free, and Friday all to myself. Maybe I won't be an unhappy virgin too much longer...
(Is it just me, or is this entry a little incoherent? Well, wouldn't you be?!?!?!)
Edit: Also, we get along amazingly, talked for a total of ten hours (maybe more) and...yeah. Now school can't get here fast enough :)
Oh, and did I mention Hank is a black guy? I thought I knew what a big dick was. I mean, K was hung, like eight inches and wide enough to strain my jaw.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
My white friends are full of shit. "Hung like a black guy"--they don't know what this phrase means. When Hank told me how big he is, I went "OMG AHHH OWWW MY WOMB HURTS" for a full five minutes.
Sure, he might be exaggerating. (Though why? This isn't exactly "bragging," this is a fucking warning label.) But I don't think so.
When flaccid, eight inches by two and a half.
Yeah...
Plus, we get along super duper well already, instant connection, nonstop talking, attraction, the works.
I go back to school next Monday. I have Wednesday morning free, and Friday all to myself. Maybe I won't be an unhappy virgin too much longer...
(Is it just me, or is this entry a little incoherent? Well, wouldn't you be?!?!?!)
Edit: Also, we get along amazingly, talked for a total of ten hours (maybe more) and...yeah. Now school can't get here fast enough :)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
1 ~ Finding Polyamory
Like any story worth reading, mine begins with a girl.
Three years ago, I met Samantha.
Sam and I were both 15, though not long after we met we turned 16. It was a crazy time for us both. Ironically enough, both of our emotional terrorists were named Frederick. I was unaware of just how deeply her pain ran, or just how badly she was hurting herself, but there were no lasting ill-effects beyond the usual emotional scars.
We clicked almost instantly. Our macabre humor was born of ugliness, but gave us a change to freak out our classmares and be like no other to each other.
Sam had a crush on me, and I had a crush on Sam. But nothing ever happened. I had a long-distance girlfriend (Quinn) and I hated myself too much to ever believe she could like me, so of course nothing came of it. Except, of course, my novel.
Looking back, it was all quite obvious. We have always behaved like a couple, rife with drama, but without all the fun, sexy stuff. I have a lot of fond memories, and a lot of less-than-pleasant ones, but I regret none of them.
About a year and a half ago, we had lost touch, and I emailed her so delicately and sweetly that she had her boyfriend drive her to my house at 1am, where we proceeded to talk-talk-talk-talk and talk some more--as well as to kiss, once, clumsily, with teeth, and me laughing, and the mood never recovered.
Again, we fell out of contact for a while.
Then, in the second half of my last year of high school, we reconnected. She saved me on a regular basis from my last two classes and drove me anywhere and everywhere. Usually to the mall. We talked and laughed and cut class with none of my teachers ever the wiser. Once again, we might as well have been a couple.
Then, disaster hit.
Disaster for "us," anyway. Right after graduation, I was to move away, to Texas. We were reconnecting, a relationship was imminent...but it wasn't enough of a reason for me to stay in a worse economy, where even with a scholarship I would have to pay for room and board, food, transportation, and everything else. Where would my dog go? How would I afford a place? Was it worth it?
No, it wasn't worth staying where I had no family and few friends.
The night before I left, she visited me briefly, and when I walked her to her car in the middle of a dark and creepy street, she kissed me. Three times. On the lips, so sweetly, so softly. I was stunned, I had no idea how to react. Another friend of mine was standing right there!
So I said goodbye, and I left, and now I'm here.
But this is not the end of Sam and I. Oh, no, not by a long shot, not if I can help it. You see, I missed her terribly when I came here, all alone in this house for several weeks, that one of my first acts upon getting the internet back was to talk to her on Facebook. Late at night and for hours. I wanted her and I to be something, and she wanted that, too.
But we had to face the facts. I may be female, but I am pretty damn horny, and I've been lonely enough for the past eighteen years, I saw no reason to keep that up. Neither did she.
So I hopped onto Google...
And there it was, the answer to my problems.
Polyamory.
Three years ago, I met Samantha.
Sam and I were both 15, though not long after we met we turned 16. It was a crazy time for us both. Ironically enough, both of our emotional terrorists were named Frederick. I was unaware of just how deeply her pain ran, or just how badly she was hurting herself, but there were no lasting ill-effects beyond the usual emotional scars.
We clicked almost instantly. Our macabre humor was born of ugliness, but gave us a change to freak out our classmares and be like no other to each other.
Sam had a crush on me, and I had a crush on Sam. But nothing ever happened. I had a long-distance girlfriend (Quinn) and I hated myself too much to ever believe she could like me, so of course nothing came of it. Except, of course, my novel.
Looking back, it was all quite obvious. We have always behaved like a couple, rife with drama, but without all the fun, sexy stuff. I have a lot of fond memories, and a lot of less-than-pleasant ones, but I regret none of them.
About a year and a half ago, we had lost touch, and I emailed her so delicately and sweetly that she had her boyfriend drive her to my house at 1am, where we proceeded to talk-talk-talk-talk and talk some more--as well as to kiss, once, clumsily, with teeth, and me laughing, and the mood never recovered.
Again, we fell out of contact for a while.
Then, in the second half of my last year of high school, we reconnected. She saved me on a regular basis from my last two classes and drove me anywhere and everywhere. Usually to the mall. We talked and laughed and cut class with none of my teachers ever the wiser. Once again, we might as well have been a couple.
Then, disaster hit.
Disaster for "us," anyway. Right after graduation, I was to move away, to Texas. We were reconnecting, a relationship was imminent...but it wasn't enough of a reason for me to stay in a worse economy, where even with a scholarship I would have to pay for room and board, food, transportation, and everything else. Where would my dog go? How would I afford a place? Was it worth it?
No, it wasn't worth staying where I had no family and few friends.
The night before I left, she visited me briefly, and when I walked her to her car in the middle of a dark and creepy street, she kissed me. Three times. On the lips, so sweetly, so softly. I was stunned, I had no idea how to react. Another friend of mine was standing right there!
So I said goodbye, and I left, and now I'm here.
But this is not the end of Sam and I. Oh, no, not by a long shot, not if I can help it. You see, I missed her terribly when I came here, all alone in this house for several weeks, that one of my first acts upon getting the internet back was to talk to her on Facebook. Late at night and for hours. I wanted her and I to be something, and she wanted that, too.
But we had to face the facts. I may be female, but I am pretty damn horny, and I've been lonely enough for the past eighteen years, I saw no reason to keep that up. Neither did she.
So I hopped onto Google...
And there it was, the answer to my problems.
Polyamory.
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